Elle Khalidah Anico Routh

2012-02-07T22:02:00.000+08:00

"some things are not worth the pain."

so how has it been? great, unbalanced, gloomy etc. but what do we expect, things happen unexpectedly, and it's all God's will.

today's the 7th, yesterday was the 6th. officially 1 year & 10 months old of my relationship. could barely believe that it's happening. i'm delighted, contented, and this is positively through(despite the arguments that we sometimes might have encountered). but things have been quite okay and going on smoothly. & the aftermath, it's wonderful.

but truth be told, there are things which i've recently known. which i didn't expect it to be.

a past that still matters though i can't fight for it now, but i will.

it's about Hairul & Syaza. y'know whenever they came back even a step in my life, it'll be in havoc, and i'll start to argue with boyf a lot. so, affirmative, this time, no more.

exactly what happened was, i didn't quite actually believed what i heard in terms of first judgment. but then i thought, if i could go through it, why not her. So, eventually, i got to know about Syaza doing some heavy petting in the cinema with Hairul. i mean, my boyf couldnt believe it also, cos no offence, she look superbly decent.

and i even showed Hairul & Syaza photos to my ITE friends. amazingly, they were disgusted. thank you, i need supporters. LOL.

well, lesson learned. never trust a friend or even your boyf all e time. they'll lie.

2012-01-08T23:54:00.000+08:00

so, it's been a while since i actually update my blog. it's been weeks, i guess. how's life been? been good and at times, bad.
well, it's 2012. pretty much not excited about it. but there are quite a few relevant events or things that i really wanna look forward too.
first & foremost, 6th April 2012. it's gonna be a precious 2 years that i'm gonna be with boyf. it is indeed one of the best gifts of God that has landed safely in my little world.
secondly. change. well, recently i've been pulled back down to earth because of a God's creation words. it was indeed a blow in some part of me. so here i am, with all the knights and shinning armor that are willing to help me, i will change.
third, bestf. i don't know whatever i wanna say right now is gonna be a huge deal. let's say i'm not at all elated watching you with izwan. let me say why, cos seriously, i'm disappointed with the first thing you did with him and the other upcoming things that happened and are going to happen. yes, thank you for helping me out. but seriously, the reason why i stopped you from getting with him is because i don't wanna watch you suffer. but to be honest, i don't really wanna care much. what kind of a guy is he that i can't meet my bestf?! i mean, my boyf lets me hang out with you and even other friends cos he knows we are just together and that he has no right to control me. all he needs is to understand me as many ways as possible. but this, about izwan?! i can't believe it. if he can't let me see you now, then don't let me see you forever, as long as you're still with him. sorry, but no sorry.

thank you for being there for me every single time.
but this is not what i'm asking for. if he prevails it, so be it his way.
i don't wanna come between you guys anymore. the end.

thank you for those who are willing to help and for the strong encouraging words.
God has never given much life until you guys came.
guide me, be my strength in every hurt, and my light in every darkness.

Boyf, i appreciate you for whatever have happened.
never mourn the past of the both of us. we will be together through every thick and thin.
thank you for accepting me for who and what i am and what i have done.
i love you, sincerely.

2011-12-08T12:23:00.000+08:00

I thought this would lead me to nowhere, but guess somehow, someth is showing up. still i'm unsure what's going to happen.

2011-11-12T00:28:00.000+08:00

every single time you have to this all over again. it hurts okay. i'm declaring it, i don't deserve such treatment. what else you need? we're too busy for each other that we don't even communicate much or even nicely. & then you wanna give me all this kind of shits. wtf sia! this is so not you. sorry if i'm letting out here. but hey, you don't read neither do you care what. yeah i am jealous, 'cause why? eh, last time when i was with you, you got give me nice treatments mehh? i know i was indeed a bitch, but please. did i ever get back at you for whatever you did. you wanna change, but hello! who's the one not starting it. you expect me to start first every single time. i'm not the guy in a relationship. i'm a woman and will forever be. neither will i change my sex or anyth.

i don't wish to go on if you're gonna be this way all the time. if i really could not hold on, imma let you go. right now, i'm preparing myself for that. not being mean or whatsoever, but prepared.

2011-10-26T00:58:00.000+08:00

i know you're not gonna read this. but i just wanna say i really love you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.
i don't know how long you're gonna be away, but the fact is, i'm not ready to be apart from you again.
there's not much strength in me if you're not gonna be near me, be it physically, mentally or emotionally. it all matters. all i can do right now is pray, and not let matter be any more worst and things will go on smoothly. i hope He will give me the strength to go thru and wait for you for as long as i can. like you've always said, "I live in you."

2011-10-04T00:00:00.000+08:00

maybe all these while whatever they said were indeed true. you have always been using me for your own needs and benefits not thinking otherwise. i guess i really shouldn't have get to know you as a friend in the first place. on second thought, i've always had this impression that you'll make a good friend for me. guess not huh? i guess it's really time and officially the right moment to let you go.

thanks for the memories. and, oh well, you weren't worth my time.

too many chattering, too many lies.

too many friends, too many disappointments.

too many loves, too many hurt.

too many hope, too much to bear.

2011-09-17T23:47:00.000+08:00

finally back :)

after months of separation, i guess it pretty much thought us a lot on how to handle stuffs now. well, it may have just started early again, but it pretty well is going on smoothly. should i be worried of what's going to happen next, or should i just let it be? but i'm glad you came around, one more time.

"i want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road.." it really doesn't matter much, all i know is that we're back together. you've thought me a lot of things, which it's hard for me to understand. but i'm glad you came and changed everything. you decipher the silence by making the first move. thank you.

and as for you Yusri Mccallister. why is it that you have to bother your bestf's relationship. does it even bother you on why girls are rejecting you? you know, you've gotta try and understand that. don't put the blame on others for you being this way, you've gotta learn your own mistakes. and i'm telling you now, I HAVE NEVER EVER DEVELOP ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU.

2011-08-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

natural, without make-ups.

like finally, i've officially deleted off photos of me and Wawan, all of it from my Facebook. i deleted off the whole album, but technically, there's some of it left in the album "Profile Pictures" (which it took me, QUITE some time to realize about it). i guess your words pretty much left me unbearably hurt. wasn't even thinking about moving on. but, why shouldn't i? if you don't even gave a second chance and thought about us, well, might as well get my ass off it! AND, *drum rolls* I DID. unconditionally and irrevocably, tortured by your words. you can't believe how much i've cried. my girlfriends do. well, i ran to them back again. to think about maybe you thought about me, FUCK. never once i guess. cause after me, initially you had a replacement. okay go! if you had been mature enough, YOU FUCKING SHOULD HAVE MET UP WITH ME AND HAVE A FUCKING CLEAN BREAK UP. but you didn't. so? i hold onto those words of encouragement of those who had supported me and see how much after i struggled when you left. that was the second hardest time, after Hairul.

i'm having so much time to spare now. i feel better every time going out with my friends. THANK YOU for the unstoppable encouragement and support. i really love you guys to bits and pieces. a big THANK YOU, hugs and kisses :)

hey you ;D
yang hidup itu pasti akan mati. always remember that my dear.
like how you've always been there for me when i needed you, i'm always here for you.
you've sent me home, and you text-ed saying your friend passed away, i immediately called you up.
asking whether are you making a move alr. and you haven't, i told you to wait for me, i'll go down and meet you up.
what's best was not about me giving you hugs and kisses, but being there for you.
it's okay to cry. i don't mind at all. i'll be waiting for your text. patience :)

2011-08-18T12:46:00.000+08:00

you just don't know how i feel towards you now. technically, you do. but fully, i don't think so. wanna know why? i just wanna get rid of you. no doubt, i miss you. or should i say i miss the times. but with things going nowhere, seriously i'd rather let it go. you know who you are. i don't need names mention here.

killed me mostly, not even thinking about how i felt.
stabbed me, torment me, took out my heart, raped my soul.
what more else do you need? you've always got things your way.
got the people you want. but hey, what have you gain?

2011-08-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

"What i thought was a sticky situation, turns back into a simply altercation."

Maybe, i thought it won't change a bit. Well maybe i thought this 1 year and 3 months knowing each other more will just stick the way it is and we'll just be happy. But never would i thought it'll turn back time to memories that brought so much impact in the past. I am apologetic of all the heart-breaking moments I've given you. Thank you for giving me this one more chance. Yes I was unworthy, and i was defiant towards you, but we pulled through it don't you think? Between us, it pretty much is complicated, and all the efforts to understand each other more paid off. I don't wanna rush or anyth. Let's just be what we think we are and don't rub anyth in it anymore. Thank you. Ily. imy.

& as for you. i just really don't know what to say.

technically it is my mistake to tell you whatever it is i had said.

the thing is, i'm tired of arguments with you.

maybe you couldn't reach to my expectations, i'd rather have someone else,

who at least tried. AT LEAST, i'm pressing on that phrase. advices were told to me to get rid of you.

slowly, i told myself. he said, "Don't rush. i'll support you."

2011-08-03T11:44:00.000+08:00

some things are meant to just be this way and never question about it. maybe between us is starting again and we're following the flow. i prefer us just keeping it silent. please God, don't take anyth away anymore.

2011-07-30T15:37:00.001+08:00

some people are worth the keep, some are kept to the fullest memories.

but there are those which you can just let go because of the constant heartbreaking moments.

at just one point of time i could just tell myself that i don't need you, but there were at most moments, i turn back to you. things didn't work it out for us in the first place, so we decided friends it will be then. we work things out for this one year, but why are we keeping it silent? we've sat and talked it out, we just know what we are currently. i'm glad that we're not throwing it away anymore. a year to them seems long, a year for us is definitely short. we just need it to be private. both of us have the same thought, if it didn't work out then we'll just be neutral of everything. let's just not shatter our hearts anymore. Lion~

2011-07-15T23:38:00.002+08:00

if i were a boy, i will care how it hurts you.

2011-07-14T12:48:00.000+08:00

can't you see where this is going? i'm just playing, but you made it real. why? does jealousy hurts you that bad that you can't stand up? feel the venom going through your veins. that was how i felt when my blood shot up whenever i saw what you did when you kept things away from me. shut up and face whatever i'm doing now. cos this is what i am all these while.

Diamonds Found, at the Gates of Sight
They sparkle like Stars, in this Heart-breaking Night
Like Fountains they Fall, from a tremendous Height
But when Morning comes, they hide Behind the Light.

2011-07-09T00:34:00.000+08:00

the morning bliss whenever i'm at the top, opening every doors.

2011-06-17T11:09:00.000+08:00

okaaaaaaay. let me get this straight? i've let you know and then what? i don't have feelings for you. i'm not a pure _ _ _.

i'm drowning in the middle of the ocean. i can't swim, but i can float. i'm afraid of heights and i fear the darkest night.
will you be that one person who has the opposite of me? will you take my hand and take the lead?

2011-06-10T09:00:00.000+08:00

it's been quite a while since i actually update this part of the web.

a past that hits me badly, leave what i made my decisions now.
what has happened, will remain happened. and it's not written, and can be erased and be amend. but once it has been done in life, you can never turn back the time and be there to make things better. at certain times in life(mine), i looked back to whatever happened. indeed, i misused my freedom to get what i want. but i know i did that to gain whatever i've lost. remembrance upon a sudden death of people who fought for me and my rights, and now, i'm left with my own to fight this battle. 2 years back, how could i ever faced death at such a young age. i had to be strong enough to go thru that event and that moment really hit me badly, leaving me no choice, but be responsible about whatever i did(which everyone says i am responsible). there were a lot of times, without me knowing, i almost killed a life in me. but i didn't. i did gave birth to life. but how could i possibly face the fact that i had to give it away and let life face it's journey without me, his source of blood and tears. but i thank those who were by my side and didn't left me at the point where i really find it hard to decode that part of life.

it has stopped, and it will have to stopped forever. for the time has come and face other challenges.
what ever happened 17 years of life i had survived and live on, has got to stopped one day. and it did. from the drugs, to the alcohol, to everyth little thing that sheds blood. i'm 17, and when i do talk, people might just come up and say to me, "you're just 17, shut up and live thru life. don't world." true much. but hey, don't you just think people has different turning points in life. and that some mature faster than the rest. i'm 17, what makes you think i wasn't in your shoes before? i've made my parents cried for all the crimes i've made, and all the shits that happened. what's worth it more, was what happened to me 2 years ago has become a part of their life and will stick onto them till the day they die. how evil can i get? WAY EVIL. i don't know the meaning of true pain, i don't know the meaning of pity, i don't know the meaning of love, i don't know the meaning of such internal emotions. all i knew, was my world, mine, my own.
i still drink, i don't do drugs, i smoke. but everyth has limit right? well, that's when you know it's time you stand up and think straight.

literature of life and the phase. a new beginning. Othello.
ever read Othello by Shakespeare? i did. well, if you haven't, you should start reading it. :) after what alr happened, i did try becoming worst. and taste my own medicine. but why must i be that bad? things can change with you starting the change. i live life like there's no tomorrow. socializing, and of course spending times with people that cared. and they made a difference. no, i've not turned into that goody-two shoes. but, i'm making the best out of me. figuring everyth out. i'm always curious, and you'll get annoyed by me.
Thank youNatra Qistina, Woochy Syaff, Nur Humairah, Husna, Umi Ammirah and the recent addition, Atikah for the smiles and hugs. we've been thru a lot of shits with love, life and every little things. for we're stronger and gone thru a lot. and we'll be stronger. :)

2011-05-27T11:54:00.000+08:00

i am one more time me. back to basics where we started few years back. thinking you left without coming back. but initially something change and you ought to know that it's really time to let go, then you've gotta let it go.
if they belong to you, it will be back to you once again. and it did. it came back to me one more time.

maybe this is a new beginning and maybe this is a new impact. for it will be a new era to start anew. maybe we'll live and learn, and we'll know whether things are gonna be better now. for it has started to be nicer and bloom better now.

this is Elle Khalidah Routh aka, Sherinna Anico Hans Gumarres.

2011-02-06T20:41:00.000+08:00

Kimi Wa my beautiful hangover.

okay, so let's start. i found a second life, SENTOSA. why? i forget almost everything when it was time to work.

next. My blog, facebook, tumblr, twitter, formspring is DEAD. i am too busy to entertain such stuffs that i find myself getting bored of it. pfft.

outings? currently Aisyah is having some suggestions, which i don't know what to do. one of it is Sheesha while eating. i'm fine with that.

end. i love my work time. feels like a real outing. why? 'cause, people there got life, and teach me more on life. thank you Merlion crew. (: i feel happier now[:

okay, bye.

2010-12-23T18:47:00.000+08:00

my blog is dead without pictures. i'm just too busy with work and work and work and work.
so, how has work been? FUN-TASTIC. imagine karaoke-ing at ticket trip and pitching your voice damn high not caring whether the admission lady cared.

HAPPY BELATED TO SYAFF.

let's talk about work and what had happened yesterday.
work is a place where i can find the most fun people to laugh with and just make your day even if you find yourself in an exhausted mood. but the awesomest of all is the MERLION CREW. ceeehbah! but, in life, there are people who you can't bond with due to, i don't know what reasons.

so where was i spending my time yesterday. DATING. with, Boyf la. who else would i be dating with.
fetched boyf at his house because he is down with fever, end up, he's the one wanting to watch movie.
so we watched Tron Legacy. GEREK PEOPLE!
okay. i think that's about it. i want to play game. bye!

2010-12-05T21:33:00.000+08:00

SENTOSA ORIENTATION'S DOWN, NEXT STOP, SENTOSA'S FUNDAMENTAL TRAINING.

it seems i like the bonding with Sentosa. very nice la. very friendly(: i want and definitely need the job. met a new friend, Shafiq. thanks eh btw! okaaaaay!
few more hours to 8th months. finally, we're making it. i'm hoping that we're making it till eternity. wait, i've got to come up with something. tomorrow, MOVIE WITH BABY! yeaaaaa~ okay, i want to go off. bye.

2010-11-24T00:32:00.000+08:00

it's not about being unfaithful. it's neither about cheating your feelings. things could be better if..

i thought so too. but yet, it's harder to communicate. but Aisyah told me that we do have to give them privacy. well, i guess so too. but, how long am i going to make the first move thinking that he doesn't bother at all. even if it's over for him , couldn't a text that says, yeah you've realize and let's be better now, i love you. might've sound better. but, it doesn't make a difference to you right Saifulridzuan? you make it seems and look like i'm alr starting to give up, and idk what's the answer is going to be like.

sometimes you wish that the past would be now when you're mad with your partner right? and you'll tell that person whom you used to love like that right? guess what, a SLUT makes it seems like she owns the world and it seems that you know almost everything? FUCK YOU! hello whore, i don't need your comments in the first place. yes it was his status, but FUCK YOU! you were the one that make it seems like you're IN LOVE. from what i've analyse and the theories i've made, A PICTURE SPEAKS A THOUSAND DIFFERENT MEANING, BUT A CAPTION TELLS WHETHER IT'S THE TRUTH. so don't be nice when you just can't be nice and not sincere in the first place. if you think you want to help a friend, BE NICE, DON'T BE A MOTHER-FUCKING SHIT TWO FACE. you don't go thru what other people do, you only hear and you only apply. but i'm asking you again, WERE YOU THE ONE PREGNANT WITH YOUR BESTF'S CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE? NO YOU WEREN'T SLUT. and you said to get a life? OH PLEASE. get a life for yourself and be like a grown up. bak kata pepatah melayu, "Kalau orang tua sedang berbual, jangan masuk campur." OH SALAH. bak kata pepatah Melayu, "JANGAN SUKA JAGA TEPI KAIN ORANG KALAU KAIN SENDIRI TIDAK TERJAGA." so, my question is, who the fucking slut are you to help in the first place? we may not be grown ups, but due to the fact in looking at how NOSEY you are, seems like you've got a long way to go down your road. what, if you were to ask to talk things out, things would be better and more lenient? OH FORGET IT SNAKE FACE!

another point to add, which is, bak kata pepatah Melayu, "HARAPKAN PAGAR, PAGAR MAKAN PADI."

inilah lumrah dunia. sesungguhnya, manusia kini lebih memegang pada orang yang mereka rapat, dari kebenaran dunia akhirat. HAHAHAH! maklumlah, kawan rapat itu Adam. mana kan tidak kalau Hawa tak terpikat dengan Adam. eh eh, ni macam penulisan perlarian Mas Selamat la! tolong menolong dan tidak mengesahkan hukuman negara. inila versi MAS SELAMAT BUDAK BUDAK! kalau mas selamat keluarga tolong keluarga, ini pulak, kawan Hawa dan kawan Adam. AHAAA! tanggungkan dosa di akhirat yer kawan? kenapa tak boleh, awak yang tolong "support" kawan awak kan? awak yang menanggung anak 9 bulan. awak kan lagi tahu eh Sundal? saya ni orang biasa. saja-saja, nak tenguk cerita awak pulak. EH EH, awak dengan dia macam saya tengah tenguk filem Hindustan la. BANYAK AUTA KELING! SAYA SUKA SANGAT-SANGAT! EH ORANG SEBELAH, ADE POPCORN TAK? SAYA TENGAH SYIOK GILE NI TONGUK FILEM HINDUSTAN!

tanggungkan dosa saya yer. saya penat la. berat. terima kasih!

2010-09-29T22:14:00.000+08:00

i love when you lean onto my shoulder. i love when you hug me tightly. but i hate every single bastards of your friends!

2010-08-26T22:57:00.000+08:00

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day, to turn it all around or throw it all away. We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say, Gotta Live like we're dying.

guess, The Scripts are pretty true aren't they? we gotta live like we're actually dying to feel satisfaction. i don't care much actually, but upon hearing this song again and again, i finally realised it. again, with Mr.Lim having to give all of the classes that he has taught, with a small token of encouragement and appreciation. i've yet to found a person like Mr.Lim, who i should say a very sweet teacher. (err, no hard feelings actually.) it's just the way he encourages his students and the way he motivates them. though he is a trainee teacher, i would like to actually bump into him once more again, in the days to come. i would likely want to appreciate what he wrote on my card. some how, it brought a light and a smile on my face for the start of my day.

i wasn't over the moon this morning. neither am i actually happy. some people just don't understand the term, "I DON'T DO U-TURNS." oh well, he thinks i'm actually making him feel deragatory, but actually not. just making him realise what the real world is. well, yeah, maybe he is older, but thru your background and situations, shows how much of maturity have you taken in and how far can you handle yourself. well, i'm sorry i hurt you. but, wake up.

i guess, i've not been updating my blog, makes it seems that i have too much to say once i'm back here typing and then again, leaving the blog rusty for the time being.

Maths practice makes me understand more of questions. Chemistry build up my confident, thanks Jenny Poh. Social Studies encourages me to strive. English, just been too sleepy. SELF-STUDY? well, it seems pretty convincing.

oh well, i guess none of you will decode what i'm trying to say. so, i shall say, i'm off then!

2010-08-15T16:50:00.002+08:00

i wonder when, i wonder why. i'm super bored, but yet no one sighed! okay, it's nonsensical.

2010-08-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

4th Monthsary(:

i love you.

Family(:

hold me tight, never let me go.

my luscious lips met yours.

well, since the time is 12:51am, then i'll say, yesterday(which was few hours ago), was my 4th monthsary. it wasn't quite a pleasant one i should say. we had an arguement which was quite bad, to the extend that neither me nor Wawan wanted to end it. but, we finally decipher the situation and came back with each other. well, i may not be the best like i always say, but i wanna try to be the best for you. i know this relationship is starting to bloom on it's own and that we are trying to keep it strong. i know we can, i have faith in that.
what was running thru my mind while i was having my arguement, i badly do not want Baby to let go of me. yes, i was fighting against him along with my anger, like i was some kind of a patriot on a galatic battlefield, but hey, i was absolutely afraid.

Baby, i know you are never good with words. you were always trying your very best to explain as much as you can. but somehow, your actions are way much stronger than your words. i know that, cos you've shown me. i'm sorry for being too harsh on you. i'm sorry for the mean words. i should have gave in actually. but i didn't want too. i was somewhat, rebellious. i wanted to show i was capable. but i was a coward. i didn't want you to go. even though you intended to walked away, but i so badly wanted to chase you. when you pulled me and hugged me saying sorry, i know that i was absolutely guilty. both of us were. Baby, i love you. i really do. hold me tight will you? cos i might fall again if i lose you. and if i fall, i may never pull myself back up again, like how i used too. stick with me please. i'm begging, with love.

2010-07-23T23:20:00.000+08:00

at times, i feel like a fallacious girlf. you've always been there for me when i needed you, and it didn't matter whether i was in anger or i was crying. all i know was that you were there for me. but, this time, i felt hurt. i couldn't be there for you. i felt like i failed being yours. i know i can't always be there, neither can i help anything. but at least pour out to me, and at least let me be the one cheering you up. you made me happier whenever i'm in melancholy. i tried, but you won't let me go deeper. i'm sorry. i failed being there. you shouldn't feel sorry. i should.

2010-07-16T22:11:00.001+08:00

there goes my baby, and loving you was the greatest gift i've ever had. i love you baby[:

the blog seems a bit rusty despite me being missing all the time. apparently, my blog and facebook won't be private from baby. as eventually, i gave him my password and email for my blog and facebook, which he can log in anytime he wants too. apparently, i don't care. so, SaifulRidzuan Bin Musa, read my blog for all i care. no more secrets away from you.

well, what's there to blog, NOTHING. basically, i have no idea on what to say. it has been mundane all the time. what i do, what i feel, how i do, how i feel. everything is the same. what more else can i say? i'm just very exhausted nowadays. but, have never been tired to be there for baby and always there.

okay, i have nothing to say.

To Saifulridzuan Bin Musa,
i really want you know that i love you. i know i've never been the best. but, we'll be strong and go thru our ups and downs together. i don't know how to hold you, but i wanna keep on holding onto you. you pamper me so much till to the extend of clipping my nails for me. *blushing* the fact that i felt much more lovelier whenever i'm with you.
meeting you makes my heart beats faster. hugging you makes me feel the warmness of your body, that comfort me. laughing with you made me know that you'd be there to share my happiness along with my sadness. gazing into your eyes, letting me see my reflection, makes me feel beautiful and wanting to belong to you only. i don't want to share you with anyone, that my jealousy could engulfed my whole emotions. kissing you, makes me melt so badly that i couldn't resist the temptation of letting your lips go. holding onto you gave me hope. having you gave me life. you and i know that there will be obstacles that we must go through together. it's so hard for me to let go of you. it's even harder to say Goodbye. so don't, and stick with me thru everything. i want you to pamper me, hug me, kiss me, hold me and that everything belongs to you. you know i want and need you, so do you? i love you.

2010-06-21T22:06:00.000+08:00

DEAD LIZARDS, I KNOW!

well, first and foremost, the pictures are taken at my aunt's house. spring cleaning! hehs[: i've yet to touch any of my homeworks, except for history, of course. i'm not in a mood for anything.

let's start with what i did for the SO CALLED holidays. err, NOTHING! i've been in and out of love. getting angry at this moment on. idk. just angry.
well, Rosman been treating me quite nice lately. not quite, but VERY NICE. i'm in the middle of a phenomena. no, a dilemma.
idk. well, i'm going off to sleep now. enjoy the lizards[:

2010-06-06T23:24:00.001+08:00

OH SHUT UP AND FUCK OTHER GIRLS. I WANNA CHANGE AND I FOUND SOMEONE BETTER, A VIRGIN!

well, to Rosman, you can go away. no more words. MOVING ON.

2010-05-23T20:52:00.001+08:00

Mother Tongue intensive week starts tomorrow. Baby is in camp for 3 weeks for his offence.
i am dying due to being lovesick. i hate being this way.

i need Baby now.

2010-05-17T22:10:00.005+08:00

*click for larger view*

& so i started to edit the photo on top by myself. out of boredom, grievance and just unhappy feelings. i hate when the truth comes out much more worst than the lie. when everything that starts out perfectly nice like a blooming flower, in the end it withers, losing it's usual beauty and fragrance. what else could be more hurtful than that right?

i've received no text and calls from you till now. you told me you when out of camp and gone out with your Army peeps. you said you left camp secretly. what else it is to this? lies? i don't know. if it was a lie again, i don't know what else to say. what more to ask, and what more to even approach and confront you about. this feelings sucks the most and that it is never gonna be erase that easily. tomorrow, i'm having the month that i first knew you. but, what have i got in return all these while? should i keep on grieving over what is happening now. i hate it when this kind of feeling starts to cloak me.

somehow, i have got the feeling that you're keeping something away from me. and i don't know about it at all. or should i deliberately say, i have no idea about it(?) should i keep on waiting till you call or text. or should i just don't wait and contact other people that are worth my time. that needs my attention or easier said, want me to be attentive towards them. Boyf, this ain't working at all. i'm prepared for the upcoming worst. i swear.

2010-05-12T22:34:00.000+08:00

yeaaaaaah! Baby read my blog alr[: i meant my tumblr. hehs[: he read it twice and sent me a sweeeeet message.
i love you baby! *hugs&kisses*

hmm. i'm done with my exams. just awaiting the results to come like a firework that simlutaneously keep on firing itself until a new term begins. going out tomorrow, and how i wished that i can meet baby tomorrow. but, he's in camp. and i've gotta wait till Sunday. *sighs*

i seriously don't have any idea what else to post about. i guess i wanna text baby first. i miss him!

2010-05-07T22:22:00.000+08:00

7thMay2010. speechless.

i could not utter a word. all i could say in my heart is, "Baby, i love you. Don't let me go. This i promise you that i'll never neglect you.Thanks for making me falling in love with you. I cherished the moments we had."

Rosman Bin Mazlan, I love you[:

every seconds that fly, my mind thinks of you. every breath i take, i smell of you. every minute that ticks, all i want is to keep on hugging you. every hours that moves, i want to just be in your arms. every day that comes, and i just wanna be near you. every week that past, makes me miss you. all i want you to know, is that i love you.

2010-05-01T00:03:00.001+08:00

NO MOOD, NO MOOD, NO MOOD, NO MOOD, NO MOOD! MUNCHKIN RUINED MY MOOD! I HATE YOU!

2010-04-28T21:22:00.000+08:00

You cant make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind. Please dont waste my time, time, time, time, time. Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover[:

i'm currently waiting for someone to call me up. but he's not even ringing me, nor texting me, YET. idk why. maybe because he's busy(?) oh well! it doesn't seems to go the way i want it to be. seriously. okaaaay. i have no idea why am i blogging now. err, inspirations(?) motivations(?) i guess so. well, i don't know. literally, it's not about inspirations or motivations, but it's just that, i can't get my hands to touch my pen and book to start my work. this is so not right. P.E lesson tomorrow. i have no energy to even do P.E. i just need a break people. i need to be free from this chain. well, i'm still finding someone who is willing to accompany me to Subways or Billy Bombers. anyone? i'm dying for it. maybe Frolicks also? well, i guess i'll be off. jsut too tired and lethargic. wait, isn't both the words have the same meaning? somewhat, jyeah.

GOODBYE CREATURES! THIS BLOG WILL SOONER BE DROWN WITH POSTS THAT TALKS ONLY ABOUT ME HAVING NO INSPIRATIONS. I GUESS I'M MAKING THIS BLOG TEMPORARILY, DEAD(?) IDK. BYEEEEE~

2010-04-26T20:28:00.000+08:00

KIEORA AKINO! PLEASE GO HOME! YOUR SISTER IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU! no matter what, she'll always love you. [:

the post up there is for KieeBaybe honey of mine, sister. she's missing. and people please, if you know her,
tell her to come home. her parents are waiting and all her other love ones are keeping strong and let the tears roll and wanting her to just come home. so, please Kieora Akino, come back. your dearest siter loves you alot[: don't hampakan them.

for a start, i need and miss someone. hot pe kau? haiyo! ni tkleh jadi ni. tak setaraf dgn aku. HAHAH ;D err, i'm in love(?) i think i am. weehee! okay shut up alr! pfft! -.-' well, for a start, i needed to blog to get inspirations. not actually inspirations, but motivations i should say. idk. i'm just too tired and it's just Monday(?) *krik krik krik*
HAHAH ;D sound effect good right? HAHAH ;D okay, i'm going crazy alr. Gosh! why am i talking to myself? okay okay. i just need motivation from that someone, then i'll start work. BUT HE'S JOGGING! haiyo! Rosman Bin Mazlan, can you hurry hurry and run(?) *bloop bloop* need to talk to you about THEM. i'm clueless here. Rosman!

okay, gtg. Bye. oh, Monday blues happened this morning. err, i need vitamins so i don't look like a dead fish searching for water to survive for the day. err, why not? Subway anyone? hehs[:

2010-04-25T01:42:00.000+08:00

Kelly Routh is here to blog once more. HAHAH ;D err, i actually meant, Khalidah Routh Zainal. hehs[:
well, to start off, i miss someone actually. someone whom which i'm so not comitted to yet. someone whom i just got to know. have not yet gotten the oppurtunity to meet him up yet. most probably after MYE(?) but i miss him. i don't know. i feel like an idiot alr. i've removed Z from reading my blog, due to us fighting all day long. issues of us and him pestering me to get into a relationship asap with him, and trying to solve and either getting away from the arguements, is not helping at all. i've been calling up Rosman, or should i say i call him Man, has been a whole lot better. the disturbance, the sharing of thoughts and etc.

well, i don't know what to say. from what Qistina told me on how Man react when she talks about me, makes me feel uneasy about us. i don't know. should i feel this way? alright. i'll be off to bed. i need to wake up early and study. arios amigos!

2010-04-19T19:38:00.000+08:00

i met two guys. i mean, i got to know them. and Z is like freaking giving me the attitude. he said, "So you don't want to accept me as your guy now cos you know other guys is it??" i said, "though i'm committed to you, can you at least give us some space for each other to study now and attached later?" he replied, " pfft! -.-" i'll wait. & keep on waiting even if your heart changes."

so what now? are we gonna still keep on having our arguements just because of this. please Z. this has got to stop. why now? why when both of us really love each other? it has got to stop.

2010-04-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

stop calling, stop calling. i need a break. i've had enough arguements with you. i'm not a statue nor am i a doll. we'll settle it later when we meet in the morning.

WELL, let's bring it on. ROLL THE DICE. for the game has just begun!

2010-04-14T23:48:00.000+08:00

i shall wish them all the best for tomorrow Sports Day. i dread that day]: thinking of going travelling to Clementi Stadium by taxi(?) i don't know. btw, i posted up my tumblr website on facebook. so, anyone who wishes to follow, follow laa. but seriously, Tumblr is a public site where i type whatever i wish to say that is unknown to people. for i shall not mention names. private blog, i can do it for this blog the people i link are the closest thang! YEAAAAAH! currently chatting with Kiee. no wonder never reply my messages, HANDPHONE NOT IN GOOD CONDITION. HAHAH ;D relax, later i get new one for you okay?

go read Tumblr people. i'm stating facts there. THAT'S WHY IT'S OPEN PUBLICLY FOR READERS.
i need to go now[:

2010-04-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

Oh great Lord, help me! i'm falling badly in love. should i be doing it in the first place? should i or should i not?
this ain't helping Lord! the feelings i once had, is coming again one more time. please Mighty Lord, what should i do?

i know he's different. he's making the change in me. Lord, i need your guidance.

2010-04-11T16:43:00.000+08:00

*looks down* old photo maaaan!

well, firstly, i wanna say, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY AISHA KEITH THADDEUS(did i get the spelling right?) i've wished her yesterday, and i'm blogging here about it. you've turned 16, and i've not? that's not fair! HAHAH ;D never mind. i'll wait for my turn, which is like i'm having my Os while waiting for my birthday(?) stupid!

so, a week has passed, and here i am still rotting. did not attend school on thursday and friday. didn't even went to tuition, but went to Speech day(in the morning). and i shall repeat myself again like in Facebook, MR. SAIFUDDIN IS FREAKING GORGEOUS! gaaaah! okay shut up alr. hehs[: well, what is there to blog?

didn't went to work today. flu is still here stucked into my nose. cough is burning my throat. headache is making my heard spinning around, YET, i still can blog despite of having to take the tissue every single minute, drinking a warm plain water, and rest my head. GAAAAH! ;D i know I CAN JUGGLE IT.

okay, i'd better be off to bathe one more time. HAHAH ;D period laa! HAHAH ;D okaay, shut up Khalidah Routh, for talking to yourself. HAHAH ;D okay okay. i want to bathe, do my work 'cause i wanna watch Hairspray tonight! hehs[: okaay! goo!

2010-04-04T15:14:00.001+08:00

i had fun with my girlfriends yesterday. i felt the need to go out 'cause i can't be rotting in house everyday. i've got work on weekends, and today i'm not going for work, due to Eddie falling sick and there are no replacement of makeup artiste today. i don't know how to describe my fun for yesterday, but all i knew was that we laughed a lot. HAHAH;D i mean a lot. especially the part where we went to Marina Barrage and we walked at the bridge when all our hair were standing! HAHAH;D more photos have been uploaded at Facebook.

i dreamt of something last night. or should i say this morning. i suddenly woke up from my dream and was sweating profusely. i can barely describe what my dream was about. i was crying so badly that i cried out to God and say that, please let him go away from my mind. i don't want to be just stuck in time. i don't want myself to be trapped anymore. then, i went back to sleep, and woke up at 11am and called Z what happened. and Z didn't say anything at all, he just kept quiet.

Z, i know you're gonna be reading this, but i'm tremendously sorry. i know that you've managed to change me bit by bit, but i'm trying and trying to forget him. i don't know why, but he just kept on reappearing in my mind. i know i was initially dumbed to actually fall back for him the second time, but i couldn't say more. i'm really sorry. pick up my calls please?

i just noticed something, it has often rain for the last month, or should i say it has been raining for the one month, and that it's happening also for this month, i still remember someone told me, "if it has always been a cold weather, and that you're sensitive with it, someone very important in your life is badly crying in his/her heart. and that he/she is hurt." well, i wonder who? someone important? WELL, i cannot take this cold weather anymore. i've been having flu every single night, and it's no joke. i'm tired of wasting tissues all the time. HAHAH;D well, for the fact that my nose is hurting every time i sneeze and i hate that. seriously, can the cold weather stop alr? i had enough. well, i guess this is the post for today. i wanna touch my books and do my homework.

you know i didn't mean to. you know how i still feel deep down. but why is it that you're still holding on though you know it hurts you deep down to see me struggling with what i feel. haven't you had enough of the pain? why me Z? why do you hold on?

2010-03-30T20:53:00.001+08:00

i love you for being a part of me. i can't help but wait, till i can be officially yours. 'cause i know i still have that deep feelings for you(:

today, was a very mundane day, though i felt hyper throughout the day. i laugh about every little thing. basically, i'm blogging to get motivated to start my work. i'm currently not in the mood. yet i don't know why. maybe it's because Z has yet to text and tell me to call him. but nevermind, met him just now. thanks for reminding me what today meant to me. i thank you for that, and i thank God for bringing you to me. it does makes difference.

today, the rain poured heavily. me and Wa were caught in it, and we occasionally waited for the rain to stopped, but it didn't. so, as i was in a rush to meet Z, when the rain was just pouring, i told Wa, let's amke a move. and so we did. hehs[: sorry Wa. but thank you Z for being understanding. i was given a hug from you. Friday eh? err, study what eh b? err, errms, i have no idea. HAHAH ;D

well, i'm off to eat(again!) HAHAH. then i'll be doing my work till late night again. and wake up very early, and life moves on.

i hate you for doing this to me, but i love you for doing it. for i found someone who is determine to change me and not give me false hope. for he is guiding me. you just talk, but you don't do it. so, i'm gonna say this to my mind and myself, F off AHMAD DANIAL MOHAMED SANUSI

2010-03-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

and here we go again. it's friday people, and i'm intrigued to know what's going to happen on my weekends. as per usual, i will have to go out and date with my brother, tution, revision and i don't know what's gonna happen. i don't wanna go out now, 'cause i think seriously, i'd rather sacrifice my time now and enjoy later. Meet the Parents session has given me a lot of lesson to learn. Friday is usually, my break day and starting Saturday will be my study days till the following next Friday. MAAAAN! this is simply something which i must endure.

i don't really know what to update as i'm out of words. probably i'll update next Friday or Monday. well, SS presentation went well. that's all.

don't even care to start a conver if you only made it a half-basis. i'm deliberately sick and tired of it. if you think you still love her, why the hell did you even say you love me more bastard?! why even turn back?! i had enough waiting for your reply like an idiot. you dumped me and made me look like a bitch, now you wanna say let's be friends, when you realise that your friends ask you to change? haven't i or should i say your sister and me have been telling you that! hold back your passion for making love. you want us to be friends like how we used to be, but you yourself just simply don't wanna try. i had enough of it alr. i worked it out, dealed with myself and now i'm tolerating this kind of bullshit!? i was dumped yet i still hope. what more else do you want me to deal and endure? your feelings? i have done that. your attitude? i have done that either. so when are you gonna stop alr? i have a feeling that you'll be what you were before. and don't deny it, it's gonna be true.

i think i saw Atyqa. Me and Yaohui was staring at her in the bus. and i got the feeling she knows about it.

2010-03-22T21:16:00.000+08:00

i miss what the clique used to be. somewhat everyone is busy with their life's and that everyone seems to fade away. i wish that everything is gonna be back how it used to be when we were spending our time during Hari Raya. that's the way it should be.

i am currently blogging before i start my work. first day of school, didn't get caught with anything. except for fingernails(as per usual). but overall, i had fun during art class. acted as a Filipino. hey, it's nice being a Filipino okaay. no offence though.

so, waited till 6pm until Z texted me first. HAHAH. actually it wasn't even 6pm when he texted, it was earlier. and he texted, "Baby, i've just finished my training, and God! i miss you and it feels like my day is so long. i wonder how can i tolerate not contacting you during school hours."
and so i replied back, "Well you insist on it, and yes i can't help tolerating it either. do you know how it feels like right? i was complaining to my friend about this. but it's for our own good, so yeah."
he replied, "Aites then then(: call me now. i miss you alr.

hehs[: love it love it lovin'it. talked to Z for a while, later calling him again. while talking to him, Alfian texted and how i wish you could read whatever i'm typing now. 'cause i don't want you to put high hopes on me. i don't want you to hate girls because of me. i don't belong to you and can't belong to you. i have someone else. please please please understand me. can you please at least realise that i'm not even entertaining you that much. this is because i don't want too. Oh gosh! open up his heart and let him search for another soul. Amen.

okay, i'm gonna do my work. and yeah, i texted Sya. she is sick. do take care of yourself dear girl. don't stress out too much.

2010-03-21T20:26:00.001+08:00

Aisyah knows alr. so shhh! hehs[:

2010-03-19T01:08:00.000+08:00

you give me wings when i'm falling. you lift me up when i'm down.

somewhat, i believe what goes around comes around. yet, you ought to be patient about it.
it was a very bad idea into giving that Pakcik Security at my shcool my number. CRAP LA! i deliberately gave you my number to tell me whether the Mcdelivery rider had came to deliver the food and call me thru my number so i can go and get the bloody food the rider sent. and what's wrong with you CRAZY OLD MAN whom which has been miss calling me since you got my number?! are you a freak? snap out of it!

Z, i miss you. sorry i've not been contacting you. but you knew what i'm going thru right now. i ____ you baby. i'll text you at 2am okay. i know you're not asleep, and you're gonna come across my blog soon. as you're checking it EVERY SINGLE MINUTE.

and for Heaven's sake people! i'm not attached. i'm merely following the flow. so, scrub away the misunderstandings.

2010-03-17T00:03:00.000+08:00

and all was a lie. a very big lie. i went to see everything with my own eyes. Oh her God, save her please.

so, met Ira after school today, she wanted to help so much with my art. thank you very much. and and, indeed after such a long time, i've finally got the chance to hug IRA! wee!

okay. so before art class, ordered Mcdonalds for friends. and while walking into school, Yaohui told me the most lamest thing i've ever heard andi can believe i actually fall for that. imagine him telling me that he's going overseas when in the actual fact he's only going to Bukit Timah -.-" i'm gonna kill you for that.

well, i guess this post will be a short one. i'll update tomorrow. must go online early, çause i have a project to do with Naeemah.
goodnight[:

2010-03-15T21:18:00.000+08:00

after this post, i'm going to be starting on my art. touching it all back up. it's time for a change girls. and we're gonna help one another. that's one thing we have got to abide with.

you probably might not realise, that it still hurts though you're with someone else now. i haven't gotten over the fact that i still love you as much as how i am hurt now. i'm gonna stop counting when is she dying or whatsoever. i find it being too cruel, but the fact is that i'm sick and tired alr. though the date which i have stated her death will still be in mine. well, let her God decides her fate in life. if she wishes to go now, then let it be. you may not know how much it hurt suckish-ly what you did to me. but, seriously, i have not yet gotten over you. though i may have love someone else, thoughts of you still are stuck in mind. well, i'm beginning to endure and try not to show it how bad it shot me, but literally, i wanna change. not for the sake of you, but for myself who seems to make my own life stuck in yours. but i finally want to say this, it's cause you've not been thru a DEEP HURT to to a soul-searching about yourself that you don't actually find yourself hurting in the first place and that you dare hurt someone else.

Z, i'm sorry for what i did just now. i promise to try and control my temper. i'm willing to change. Z, please please help me get rid of the feelings which i once had. i don't want to betray my own and your feelings. Baby baby, please. Ily.

2010-03-14T01:48:00.000+08:00

chatted with KieeBaybe for a while.
got back from Z's crib from a while ago. HAHAH. baby, you shut up!

it was fun and great, and exciting, and enjoyable and fascinating and i don't know what else to say.
HAHAH. so while chatting with Kiee, Z called, so this is how the conversation went,

Z: BABY!
me: what?
Z: *sings* there's gotta be one less lonely, one less lonely girl. *chuckles*
me: Err, okay. now tell me why are you singing and calling me now, when we've met just now?
Z: i don't know.*chuckles then screams* Baby, i can't sleep. i'm craving for M&M's. please buy for me.
me: You crazy la. HAHA. you buy for me Merci first.
Z: BABY! not fair! my M&M first then your Merci. or else, don't want study with you.
me: -.-' ANGMOR BOY bully me again!
Z: where gooooooot? HAHA. baby, tell me good night.
me: good night.
Z: say I.
me: I
Z: say AI
me: AI
Z: wo!
me: wo.
Z: so what is it? what is it?
me: i love you. HEHS[: cute and crazy la you.
Z: well, that's one thing good about me.
me: -.-' prasan

so, as per normal, Z and his crazy head and mind. and yes Z, finish Os first aites[: okay. i'm super dead tired.
i'm bumping to bed! good night! and thanks KieeBaybe for the advice[:

2010-03-11T22:55:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU AISHA KEITH THADDEUS FOR YOUR INSPIRATIONAL BLOG SKIN[:

people, this is my temporary blogskin, i don't know when i'll change back. please recommend me a blogskin.

2010-03-09T18:34:00.001+08:00

Well, hello my lovely Earth-lings ~

pictures of atyqa! the psychotic-claims-to-be-having-brain-cancer girl!

well, let me guess, it's her hair which were rebonded in a very chaotic way that claims she has brain cancer? or the fact that she's damn healthy and goes crazy in the brain? or what's better is that she's fooling people around with her looks? HAHA. AhmadDanial, i thought you got a better girl than me, but hell! you got a far more worst girl? is this what you're telling me that she's your type and that you really liked her? AD! i thought the girl is much more beautiful than me, but the FUCKING FACT is that it is not. not self-praising myself here, but indeed i have too, I AM WAY EFFING BETTER THAN HER! by the looks la eh! she's 19 and i'm going 16, and there's a way big difference there. LOLS:D oh people! i just love the fact that technology nowadays or should i say, Internet nowadays are the most good thing in life! i have not yet gotten over the fact that AD chooses her rather me? Danial! you're freaking 22 and hello! look thru other people, not look at people but look thru them! is this is what you call you know so much about other people? THE FACT IS THAT I THINK I KNOW PEOPLE WAY BETTER NOW TO EVEN KNOW THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM BETTER AND THAT I'M SWEEPING SOME PEOPLE AWAY FROM MY LIFE. this is an irony. i thought that she'd be much better than me, but the fact is that it's on the contrary.

does she even look like she's suffering from cancer? LOOK at how pink the lips are and how bright the texture and tone of the face. and for goodness sake, you're a used-to-be a nursing student in ite! MOTHERFUCKING sake, you wanna lie, be more realistic! oh oh oh OOOOHHHH! oppareul saranghae!

and seriously, Ayu texted her yesterday asking whether she is Danial girlf, and she was like, yes y? then she replied again. Who are you? And what do you want from me?! (like typical minah) and she texted in malay btw.

look closely at her head, any 'lobangs'-holes- that seems to be the cause of a brain tumour surgery? and does her face symbolises SUFFERING-FROM-BRAIN-CANCER!? OH WHATEVER! and i got the feeling that i saw you yesterday in bus 187 while i was on the way home. you were staring at me like you want a fight? LAI UH LAI! HAHAH.

oh PRETTY-WANNABE-BITCH. let me say i'm not gonna stop counting your 6 months and yeah yeah! i'm so glad i see your final pictures and you, yesterday. it's a good thing you don't know me, and how i look. die uh die! HAHAH. WAITING PRETTY-WANNABE! WAITING! you damn hao lian uh!

2010-03-05T21:59:00.000+08:00

it's time to let go.

oh why do i even care what you think about me? does it change a whole lot of what you want to see from me? i don't care if you wanna keep secrets from the clique or whatsoever. i know there ARE things about me that people don't like. but do i even tell the clique why i don't like about you? what i don't like about you? must i? okay fine. i might have told one of 'em, but hey, i don't exaggerate on it. you talk what you think you want to say and you don't care about whatever people feels. and bloody hell! we are a clique! what's there to keep from each other. we've been friends for 4 effing years but yet we still keep about what we don't like about each other? WHAT CRAP IS THIS. at least aisyah tells me what she thinks of me. at least she said it out, and i don't mind. you think i want to entertain your hide-and-seek-thingy-secret-kept-away-from-clique thing? you ask people to be mature in stuffs, but your bitchy kind of attitude is not doing any good at all! you say that if people tell you what you they don't like about you, you can't change. then let me imply to you the same fucking thing! it's the same! what is wrong with you? blah blerh blah blerh blah!

is this what we call we are BFFs? it's not at all la. we keep away from each other things, yet we are in the same clique. it's better that we aren't in it right? i may state this like as though i'm correct, but no i'm not. they are things that i said here are also wrong. correct me if you may! we are 16 or some of us are 17 yet we are acting this way. when is this unbelievably-childish-like-kind-of-attitude going to end? WHATEVER. keep what every fucking shit you think about me and her and tell the rest of the clique. if you say you can't change, than i'll say the same. whether you like it or not that's your issue. so it means me and her are the ones that cannot be trusted and that you are annoyed with our behaviour la? go on. it's your life. and yeah, don't care whatever your friend is doing. don't care whether she wants a lot of guys in her life and treat those guys like shit. you go and correct your situation.

some times, what others say are true. the people who you are most close with are the ones that cannot be trusted. and seriously, that issue is implying on me. thanks Umar for saying that i shoudl forget about it. at least you know la eh how it feels.

2010-03-04T21:55:00.001+08:00

currently texting izati. i've yet to do my English homework, because i am not motivated to do my work.
alone at home, as per normal. like i cared.

i saw AD online, and i was like, BITCH! you're online uh? HAHAH. why don't want chat eh with me? Psychotic girlfriend say don't contact other girls is it? HAHAH. but nevermind, today's your day, the next time it'll be mine yeah?

Tomorrow, Alevel results are out, and i wish my brother all the best. i really want him to go to University and prove that not all malay guys are the same! my brother is different okay. not same same tao. why am i praising my brother eh? lols ;D

anyways, tomorrow is Friday, and i thank God it's Friday tomorrow. but hey, i think i'm accompanying Wa for her frisbee, if she is going if not, i'm heading back home. LMAO.
Maths class was fun today, Clarrissa kept on calling me Sucker! what the hell la you! HAHAH. Sec4 seems to be becoming much more interesting and thinks are getting more hyper nowadays. i made friends with Clarrissa recently but we've alr disturbed each other like we know each other for quite some time. i'm calling you an ASS la eh, HAHAH.

okay la, i want to do my English Compre alr caaaan? i'll faint if i don't do it. i must change from now on. HAHA. cool or what? Mdm Maiza said that people who are single are much more steadier than people who have steady. HAHA. and Mr Royston said that i was as sour as a cat today. what la. i'm down with bad mood alr, then you talk here and there. HAHA. okay la

i want to do my work alr uh. CHIAOS!

2010-03-03T23:45:00.000+08:00

to zai: atyqa? HAHAH. atyqa is the girl whom AD is having a relationship with. fuck her la. tell me got brain cancer and everything. got brain cancer stage 2, masuk hospital the previous night, the next MORNING come out alr. then the next day took Basic Theory Test at BukitBatokDrivingCentre. btol ke tk btol? bdak 19 tahun nk tipu dgn bdak 16 tahun? LOLS! tipu tk teragak-agak seh. then she say she got six months more to live. HAHAH. sunggoh drama mama! AD left me for this girl. HAHAH. psychotic nye pmpoan. if i meet you i tell you the whole story eh. Friday meeting or not?

got most of my results back, and obviously, i passed only in Art.(macam biasee) so, now i'm going to sleep alr. HAHAH. good nights motherfuckerkaninabuchaochibailanchiaobitchesbastardspussiescockstitsassholes!

2010-03-02T18:19:00.000+08:00

to zai: err, when you want? i free only on Fridays tao. 'cause i finish school at 1130am. HEHS[:

the grades were unsatisfactional. even though you think it's just a common test, but when you face your marks, it really hurts. more than it hurts while being in love. HAHAH. well, i can't seem to find a topic to start off to ype in my blog. so let's start by saying, i'm tired, but i have hectic and heavy workloads. Malay Olevel is in 31stMay and hell i'm scared. Cikgu Maiza did not came to school today and neither did Jeffrey Chan went into class and taught us. Chemistry marks were so saddening. i have no comments. i got Malay Compo to do. but i'm too tired. i've been having lack of sleep and i keep on waking up pass my alarm. i love art yet i feel so apathetic to start with it. i don't have any courage to do anything. i want to fully recharge my energy. but what about my work?

i'm the one dying first rather than that Atyqa. Lols;D

okay then, i'll start with my History work la eh. then off to Malay then to Art. I WANT TO REST FOR THE WHOLE DAY CAAN? I'M VERY FATIGUE AT THE MOMENT AND I NEED A BREAK!

starbucks and subway for a day anyone?

2010-02-28T23:18:00.000+08:00

她的死亡。而且我计数。因为你撒谎，我不相信这一点。19岁的女孩躺在一个16岁的女孩？什么是笑话。我仍然不能忘记你告诉我什么。我只是想让你告诉我真相不管你是生病了。但似乎你没有。为什么这样说呢？因为你撒谎生死对我的关切之情。我只是算你数月的生活。就这些。

Era told me to forget it. well, i told her, i can forgive, but i can never forget. for Atyqa's case. she can forget about me forgiving her. she can jolly well pray for her death。

to you Ahmad Danial Mohamed Sanusi, 你是一个花花公子。但你不认为你是正确的？好，去不断因与每个女孩你去与性别有关系。我希望您将获得与发生感染的疾病。

2010-02-25T19:23:00.001+08:00

1 out of 6months[:

i'm pulling myself back up. i don't know why, but due to hectic works and sleepless nights, i've been very lethargic. i'll get so super sleepy in the mid-afternoons and i can't seem to concentrate in class. this shouldn't be happening. seriously, i have a lot to sacrifice this year in order to achieve my aims. well, for a start, this first dream is to get thru Olevels and and get good results and be in MI. eventually, for this year, my dream is to get to know someone dies. HAHAH. i am baneful, and i know that. Even Mr.Royston Low said that i am cold-blooded. well, initially i am. i don't know why but i just have too. oh, the date which i'll be counting for the death anniversary will be on the 19th February 2010. don't ask me why eh. but the date seems to be very nice. Hehs[: and the next thing i want to achieve or shall i say, to be concluded by this year is to get that fxckstard caught ASAP.

well, i hope all of it will be achieve and accomplish by this year. i'm still counting, and i won't stop. i so love to hear you're dead. and i so love to know that you're not lying to me, whom which is an Atheist. 'cause i hate it when you lie for a death that will never be. so, Khalidah Routh, hold back, count the months, sit tight and keep on breathing. there will always be a time where something will once again be yours and that it will be fulfilled.
Hallelujah peeps! may God be with you aites girl? i wish you could live longer. but i think you can. we'll watch and see your condition yeah? HAHA!

2010-02-25T00:05:00.000+08:00

1 OUT OF 6 [:

i'm counting the months baybeeeh! it's late at night, and i've just completed my work. i can't believe it people. i'm totally stressed out i don't know why. i guess, the workloads that i'm receiving have been too much. so, the feeling of being lethargic is once again coming. late nights of studying, sleep morning. when will it end? in 8 months time. wow! that is so much time to endure. but hey, if others can why can't i? well, i'm off to bed people. Nights.

2010-02-24T18:38:00.000+08:00

counting the first out of six months to your death. i'm not gonna stop. 'cause i am very patient. i'll wait and wait aites? [:

so, school was great, initially. i don't wanna talk much about it. Maths CT was a big crap for me. seriously, i didn't had time and i was out of time. isn't it the same thing? well, i guess this will be a random post. i don't wanna talk much.

some ******* are just reading my blog and spreading words around. i'll be changing link soon. or better still, private this blog.

2010-02-23T22:30:00.000+08:00

got my English common test paper back, and boy was i shocked! i was like Oh My God! i saw my handwriting, my marks and whatever shit, and i laughed. Amira is liked totally upset, but hey, there's still like prelims and etc. i was having a hangover while doing the paper and gosh i scored higher than her! i saw my handwriting and i was so surprised. amira said, "like writing tamil." LOLS:D hahah. tomorrow is maths paper, i doubt i can even pass. express student thinking this way sia. HAHAH. 'cause simply i missed out on Standard Deviation a lot, Probability gives me a damn big headache and Matrices, aiya, easy laa. HAHAH. seriously, CT1 is not gonna be a big achievement for me. it's like, hello! i missed out a lot you know.

but nevermind, i still have the freaking prelims and yeah, why not? i have prelims, and then my Os. i'm not gonna be having any breaks anymore starting form March. and i can even forget about March Holidays lor. it's not gonna be an oppurtunity for me to even enjoy my time and everything. it's like my mind is being brainwashed with only one thing, OLEVELS. alaah! i can do it, i can, i can!

okay i wanna go study. bye. AHJA AHJA HAITING!

2010-02-22T22:17:00.000+08:00

and all i wanna do, is to just punch your face when i see you. 'cause i blame myself for telling you everything about me, taking care of your pathetic feelings all the time and for knowing you in the first place. you said you love me, but you ended up with another girl and only telling me about you liking her when you're alr in a relationship with me. you expect your bloody partner to always have to care for your damn feelings when you don't even think twice when making the decision and blame your ex-Gfs for not having to last thru with them. well, i finally figure it out, you are a playboy. you only need a girlfriend to fulfill your passionate desire and not loving them. and yeah, i just read Fauzi Rassull's Blog. what he says is true, sex is not the important thing in a relationship. there are other things to do to make a couple closer to each other.

well, i'm posting now because i finally realised on what a terrible big mistake i have done. the decision i made really dejected me. it is definitely so impossible and so dumb of me to be in a relationship with Ahmad Danial. and now, where is he? let me give it a guess. he's now currently attached to a girl name Atyqa. well, the reason is obvious. she's the girl whom which Danial said he was still in love with. well, she told me she's left with 6months to live due to her stage 2 brain cancer. and she told me her story and everything. well, according to what i hear, i seriously don't believe it. why i don't? well, deliberately, i've heard her story and figured everything out, so i kinda don't wanna believe it at all. i feel very fallacious listening to her story. i've heard it, i think thru it logically, and asked whoever and whatever sources i knew. so, being me and just me, simply i'm just going to be baneful.
I'll wait until the next 6months are over. i wanna see your face in the obituary section of the newspaper seeing that you've died since you said that you're left with the solitary 6months of your life. if i still see and hear your name and get to know you're alive, God knows what you've said was a lie and that you're gonna get it one day. and when it's true, i'll be saying HALLELUJAH. may Jesus be with you and not Allah. Amen. so, i'm waiting patiently till your day comes. if it's not true, oh girl! you're so in trouble.

this is why, i'm called an atheist as i'm seriously an agnostic person who won't believe whatever you outsider people who-is-psychotic-in-the-head talks about your sufferings. i only believe in my family, closest Girlfriends and Bestfriends and myself. so don't come and tell me your-grandma's-asses-shit story.

so, i'll end off by saying,

YOU HAVE 6 MONTHS TO LIVE.

I'LL BE WAITING TO SEE YOUR NAME AND FACE

IN THE OBITUARY SECTION OF THE NEWSPAPERS.

I'LL WAIT TILL YOUR END OF TIME.

2010-02-21T20:43:00.000+08:00

using Dad's friend laptop now. currently hanging out with Dad as he knows what happen to me recently. currently drinking Heineken, and F. dad doesn't even care. WOW! i can't believe it.

went out in the morning with somebody and catched the 13:00 show. watched Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief. good show, i won't say much. go and watch it yourself.
dad knows what happen to me few days ago, even brother also. WOW! i can't believe you guys suspect it would happen again. okaaay. i'm wanting to go home, and i want to continue do my Art.

Saturday skipped tuition and when to Wa's house. Fun la kaaan. do art, smoke, eat and watch telly. and it's been a long time since i smoke, and when i did it was such a relief.

well, it seems that someone, a Guest tagged my blog yesterday and said that i'm ugly. am i? HAHAH!
BITCH, i guess you're exaggerating it looor. i'm ugly and YOU'RE FUCKING UGLY! LOLS;D it's cause you're freaking psychotic to go to my blog and claim me ugly when you fucking don't have any idea how i am. oh seriously, why do i keep on using the word fucking? HAHAH. i guess it's kinda fun. well, criticize me more then. i wanna hear base on your views about me. it seems like you're freaking fucking psychotic and i'm the one laughing. so, who's crazy? YOU!

2010-02-20T00:51:00.001+08:00

no offence people, but i seem tremendously joyful and it felt like nothing had happened. well, let me say one thing on the date 19February2010, 09:26am. I AM CURRENTLY SINGLE. what's better is that, the broke up message came in sweet and simple, " Its not working out... Goodbye didie..." nicely type-d, nicely sent, nicely received and nicely read. so, i took the courage and told myself, i've been hurt emotionally, physically, what's there to be afraid of? life gotta go where you want it to go. and occoasionally, i find it is better being single now. why? simple as a vanilla. you just got to go thru as much experience and laugh about it after realising your mistakes, and there you have it, YOUR PERFECT LIFE. so, girlfriends cheered me up after school and we took a lot of pictures while doing silly stuffs and i guess, this is my life. why waste it now, when you can go thru relationship later? i mean, guys only wants one thing, man wants his own woman. there's a difference there yeah. so people, if you're not happy what you're reading, then too bad. this is my online diary, and hell it ain't my business if you don't like it.

i started to think again of who i used to be, and why i had more perfect times during the past. well, i was deliberately being me. so let me just say, i am KhalidahRouth.Z. i am an Atheist. believe it or not, i am always happy. but yet, i have a crucial temper which i must watch over. i love my girlfriends who are always there for me, and i'm currently going to be 16 this year. so why waste my time now, when i've got so much knowledgeable things to get to know and understand. so people, i am going off now.

more pictures at Facebook. i'm uploading some more tomorrow. DAMN THE UPLOADING IS SO DARN SLOW!

2010-02-18T21:25:00.001+08:00

ring ding dong ding ding dong! LIFE MOVES ON! ARFAH WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW I'M SINGLE!

it was damn short, so what?! guys who don't appreciate needs one thing, A MAN wants his own woman.

i'm becoming an atheist once more. and bro knows about it. and he says," As long as you become somebody in your life from now on." my brother is a man, isn't he? HIS COMING BACK HOME TODAY ;D

2010-02-10T20:32:00.000+08:00

i thought everything's gonna be fine. but no. it turns out to be worst. what she said was true. if you just put too much hope in living with someone else when you don't really know how well that person is, the one that you think you need most, will eventually be gone in a snap. everything starts out divinely, but in the end, it fades once more.

the day has been very unadorned. it's like as if the day has no flowers and butterflies flying and i can't even feel the heat of the sun and the smell of the rain as everything is so plain. like hell, this is so not me typing this out. PEOPLE, I'M A HAPPY GIRL!

i kinda miss the presence of my brother at home. i miss the way he moves in the kitchen baking sweet muffins of different flavours like no one else's business. i miss him sitting in front of the computer like what i'm currently doing now. i miss how he always rubbed my forehead every time i'm asleep. i miss how he used to just suddenly jumped onto my bed and act like a fool, and i'll be shouting at him to get out of my room. i miss the time where he used to scold me for talking on the phone till late night. i miss him asking me to study. i miss the times i fought with him. i miss the time where we used to fight over the Urban newspaper. i miss the time where me and him were home alone and he cooks for me. i miss the time where he used to just takes my things without asking for permission. i miss the time where he likes to eat my kinder-bueno like nobody's business. i miss his presence while sitting in his room now. i miss everything about my brother now. this Friday, he'll be back home once again. and everything is gonna be normal again and then it will change again.

i felt like ever since my brother has been away for his National Service, i find him more caring towards me. he doesn't even want me to repeat the mistake i used to do. i felt like i really need him even though if things are gonna be normal which i don't usually like. but at least i know he's there for me. *sighs. why am i missing my brother so much? i even talked about him at school with my friends. i told them how we spend talking to each other when he called for a moment while in camp. he told me he was sicked and he told me how his Senior are treating them over there. ( i swear i'm gonna punch their face.) well, it's about time i realise how much my brother loves and care for me now. i swear i love you, Muhammad Zulhilmi Bin Zainal. Brother.

2010-02-02T20:12:00.000+08:00

HALLELUJAH! EVERYTHING'S MESSED UP!

FXCKING, FREAKING!

EFF-YOU-SEE-KAAAAAAY!

okay bye!

2010-02-02T19:08:00.000+08:00

the signs of fading are beginning to pop out, and i really hate this. i don't want it to happen again.
i had enough of games, seriously. it was enough to go thru a time satisfying other people's desire, especially a lover.
i've been thru and down that road. and i really can't bear with it. i don't want this to happen.

God, give me the strength to still move on and never forget AD. i can't bear it. i really can't bear it going away from him. i know he's darn busy, but this is so wrong. it is all getting so surreptitious. the one person that i can't bear to leave is the one i spend the late night talking on the phone with him. but this is getting so worst. here comes another person that trying to obtain my feelings.

i don't want it to happen. let that person be a friend and please let AD stay. Amen.

2010-02-01T18:48:00.000+08:00

NO WAIT! BE HAPPY BE HAPPY! DADDY BOUGHT ME A NIKON D3000!
say yeeeeeaaaayyy people!

basically, i've not been updating my blog due to being so hectic with school work. and right now i'm so lazy to blog, and sooner or later my blog is gonna be dead. most prolly, i'll only update once a month?
i'm currently missing someone, and i don't know what's he is doing now. okay okay. now i wanna go off and do my work. do my art sketches.

so tooddles!

2010-01-23T20:31:00.000+08:00

the AKLTG motivational talk was fun, seriously. though it really clashes with our hectic school works, but i think the whole of express really enjoyed ourselves. the talk really brings a big impact on all of us. i finally found the courage to speak out.

i've talked backed to one of my old friend. Aisyah said she really loved me. well, i guess she does.i miss her though.

2010-01-22T17:29:00.000+08:00

after coming back to school for like one week, things are becoming more hectic. i find that Os are really changing people and making us think that Os is really not a joke. i mean it, like real. and along with my Art, this is really killing my brains. well i deliberately can't even touched my phone in class, and guess what? ♥ is a bit mad that i didn't text him. okay okay, i'm sorry i didn't text you at all. but seriously, i was super busy. i can't even text you in any middle part of my lesson. i'm always and seriously dumbstruck-ed whenever ♥ starts to sulk.

well, now then ♥ ask me to call him. i hope i won't get any scolding.

2010-01-15T17:45:00.000+08:00

MONDAY MONDAY! alright, i'm beginning to feel so ecstatic after i've alr decided that i'll be back in school on monday. and guess what, i'll only be back from school at 9pm. tell me tell me, which teenager won't be happy? and gooooosh! I MISS MY BFFs! Aisyah, Wa, Syaff, Humairah, Aisha & Naeemah.
so, i've been receiving nice comments and that people are expecting me to come back to school fast, 'cause, statistically speaking, they say that they miss me, OBVIOUSLY. and also that the classroom is going bonkers! hahah. i mean, all of 'em are going quiet at the wrong time and that the only people that are the entertainers are Yaohui and YongMou. hmmm. i prefer Yaohui becoming the entertainer[: no offence, he's way better than YongMou.

well then, since my fiends are insisting of me keeping my hair long, than i will. so, i occasionally don't like making my hair up, so i decided to let my hair down. and keeping it sideways. so, i've found just a simple style. no offence but i find it sweet. SELF-PRAISE! hahah.

mummy mopped and clean my room for me, and it smells of lavender! hahah. okay now she's nagging asking me to go and bathe. so, i'll be off. i'll update more on, err, Monday? HAHAH.

the fun times coming back bitch, and you're OUT!

2010-01-13T18:09:00.000+08:00

and the weather was a time for romance to come alive. but instead, i spent my time drinking hot chocolate that mum made for me. and i thought, that was the sweetest hot chocolate i had and that most probably i'd like to spend with my loved ones and laugh about a lot of things while drinking a cup of hot chocolate. it sounds nice.
i thought i could be doing that with someone i love. but, the loved ones are better off with me than someone i should be spending my time with being in love.

i guess i'm going to continue drinking hot chocolate.
i had a nice time with Aisyah, Wa, Syaff and new friend Nuriha. thanks for coming over.
i also had a nice night talk with Sya[:

2010-01-09T11:28:00.000+08:00

a conversation with dad yesterday..
dad: you've been watching so many superheroes stuffs. are you obsessed with them?
me: i guess so*dreaming*
dad: are you gonna have a new boyfriend again? or are you gonna wait for me to find for you?
me: new boyfriend?*looks at him and blinks* oh. yes, new boyfriend, you find for me okay? but i have some terms that you must fulfill in order to get me the boyfriend i want.*smiles wide*
dad: what kind of boyfriend would you want?*sighs*
me: the one that is superior but nerdy like Clark Kent(Superman), yet he is intelligent and rich like Bruce Wayne(Batman). and he must be muscular like Superman, yet silent and creepy like Batman. how, can find for me?
dad: really? FIND YOURSELF. *laughs and walks away*

so, anyone, can find for me a guy that fulfill the terms above? HAHAH. yes, i guess, Korean times are not yet over. but it's just common that most people are so head over heels on Korean boybands and etc. i guess i'll have a change. I'M IN TO SUPERHEROES. but i think i'm falling in love with Superman. or should i say the actor? HAHAH. you can consider both. BRANDON ROUTH. so handsome. so handsome. nobody can take brandon routh alright.

so, i guess i'm gonna continue watching Superman[: toodles!

2010-01-06T12:41:00.000+08:00

and so, i'm still stucked at home due to personal reason. and guess what? the topic about me being missing form school is a hot topic. WOW! i'm becoming famous for bad doings huh. and guess what, there's one person who makes me so famous. goodness gracious! it's a once in a lifetime wonderful thing that i'm becoming more patient and controlling my temper because of my dad. if not i am so sure, that once i step back to school, i'll make a hell out of myself. i have a bad temper, and only my dad knows how bad it is.

so let's say, i'm keeping your name clean. and i won't dirty it okay? it's a new year anyways. i only can say that, one day, " kuah tumpah dekat kau nye nasi jugak kan?" it depends on what gravy you get. a nice or a bad gravy. so let it be okay girl?

since i'm a hot topic in school, let's not say much here. since majority knows the details alr. [: last night chit chatted with AISYAH! i miss her i miss her i miss her! friday come my house okay? come la! then can talk talk laugh laugh. so, talked to her last night on a lot of things only me and her knows :D we laughed or should i say, i laughed about her. hahah.

let's talk about current situation i'm in now. i guess i'm watching too much korean dramas and shows that yes, I'M OBSESSED once again with KOREAN GUYS! LEE JAE HWANG! laaaaa. so sweet korean guys[:

okay okay. i have to go makan. will update later, if i am not lazy.

2010-01-01T11:33:00.001+08:00

HELLO 2010, GOODBYE 2009

2009, a year where everything when totally wrong for me. a year full of sorrow and full of grieve.

everything in my life when totally complicated and it was a year, where it was a turning point for me.

life has been very difficult, yet i manage to go through a lot of things.

i finally realised that, after much pain and suffering, it was the time i got to know about people who are real family, real friends.

My parents, my family, my friends. i don't know how to express my gratitude to them. but yet, they stand by me all through the year of 2009.

last year has been a year where i when through my first turning point in life. a life-threatening experience and a sorrowful one indeed. it has been a year where many loss were discovered and that it could only be brought back years later. if only i could tell and published a book about how i went through with my life during the year of 2009, i would. but, i think it's better to keep it safe as a memory that will never be forgotten till the last breath.

Wednesday, 30 December 2009, 03:52am, a day, date and time which i will never forget. a person i really love was brought to Earth through me sees the world for the first time.the most joyful time of my life, where he was lying on my chest and was crying and the first time he touched my face. and at that moment, i realised, that this is it. nothing in the world matters anymore. i've been strong all the way and he has made me stronger and that i won't give up on my life anymore and will no longer be breakable anymore.

31 December 2009, was the last time i saw him. no one knows how it feels like to let go of something that is so precious and that you had to let go if it in just a short notice. it was the last time i saw him. i touched his cheek and he was smiling while sleeping. and all that was left in my mind till now, was how much he looks exactly like me. the nose, the cheek, the forehead, the dimple. but i know, i must be sincere with my decision. i must be strong though now it feels so empty.it won't be easy as it will forever in my memory. but i know, my parents and friends will help me go on with my life. i will never give up anymore. he will always be mine for sure. and that i hope one day we'll meet again. he's the light of my life and that he makes my life more meaningful.

so here comes 2010, where everything will be anew. and that the past can never be the present, and that the present will determine the future. O levels is my next step and i will have to move on and work hard. 301209, will never be forgotten, as it will always remain. but this year, will be a change. it will be a new start and that everything will go on smoothly.
HELLO 2010, GOODBYE 2009

Muhammad Irfan, i will always love you no matter what.
as i have live for you, and that i thank God for letting you have a better life.

2009-12-27T14:56:00.002+08:00

i miss someone very badly, i miss bffs, i want to eat Tiramisu, i want to go to Ion again.

somebody sympathizes with me please?

2009-12-25T15:24:00.002+08:00

i gave you my soul to have and to hold.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. i'm utterly speechless. i have nothing to say.

2009-12-20T14:51:00.000+08:00

bie xiang xin ba, li kai ba.

and when everything seems to not go your way, we always think that life is difficult, and that we can't go on.
so i walked down the aisle thinking what has been wasted, and guess what. a lot of things.
i guess a lot has change, from mental, to physical, to emotional. thinking about what i want most for my future, seems like a good way to go.
but, don't we always hear that let the future be, but just do your best in the present? whatever, i put my hands up and just surrender.

i've not been updating much due to a lot of reasons. first and foremost, my brother always uses the computer, and i fxcking don't care. secondly, i just can't stop eating and hell, i've got to lose my weight asap. or else, i am going to be looking like a fishball. simply, 2009 has proven how egregious i have been, but nevertheless, i don't regret 'em.

Os are next year and i have only a few months to prepare myself. i don't really enjoy that term, "to prepare myself." i find it as a drag. but hey, it's what i have to face and do. it's a challenge to be and show that i have to be on top and show to those bloody bastards that it doesn't matter who you are to be great. so shut up! i don't spit and your footprints so why should you?

it's a lesson to be learn and accomplished. so for now, i'm going to be mugging again. i don't know when i will be updating.

i miss friends who can accompany me at home. i miss a lot of things. i want to be free, and most of all, different from the old me. i guess i'm in love, but it's too early don't you think? i just fell, i need to be back on the cliff and be steady.

any comments? i need company[:

2009-12-14T17:34:00.001+08:00

a mere experience, either bad or good, brings more meaning to life. this is what i thought life is.

2009-12-12T22:16:00.000+08:00

10th Dec was appointment day, and thank goodness everything is better than ever. BUT things are not gonna be easy for the next few weeks. hell and damnation! i am at the verge of fainting when i heard about weeks. i felt like i could just faint on the spot. i spend most of my day there at hosp. but, pretty good, it wasn't that bad at all.
oh oh. have you ever thought of a delivering machine that knows how to move by itself without anyone operating it? LOL. i saw that incident happening during my appointment. i'll make sure to snap a photo of it on my next appointment. no worries[: and on the day of my appointment, they had to take my PR[pulse rate]. at first, the nurse took my PR, and guess what, my heart was beating like 111 times per minute. then the nurse was like laughing and asked me to rest. and so i did. after resting for 10 mins she called out for me again. guess what, my heartbeat got highr. it reached 115beats per minute. and she was like looking at me and laughing and said,"Are you in love or what?" then the both of us laughed. and on the third try, she record down my heartbeat at 108.
woooooaaah! my heart is really beating very fast. but i'm used to it.

as of yesterday, i went and accompanied mum and dad to National Heart Centre at SGH. dad had an appointment there. i was lazy to be send off to my aunt house, so i followed. it was not boring actually. i got to see dad took his blood test. hahah. dad's blood is not thick like mine. dad had to run on a treadmill to check his heart. eventually, we had to go back on Tuesday for another scanning of the heart as dad's heart is sometimes normal, sometimes slow. so, after everything ended at around 12pm, dad wanted to meet my aunt at Orchard. so taxi-ed down to Centrepoint and i was starving, and my aunt was late. so waited for her around 10mins, and we went to had our lunch at LJS. i ate a lot. and i mean, A LOT. after that went down to Orchard Central and i didn't know what to shop there. so, after wailing so much, dad couldn't stand it and said, " Daa. KEEP QUIET. we walking down to ION. shopping la puas puas kau kat sane. tak tahan aku bila kau dah membebel. kalahkan mak kau." HAHAH. too bad dad.
i shopped till my heart's content. bought Salvatore Ferragamo perfume. went to Sephora and bought bathe set. and how i wish i could shop more. but nevermind, i shall not waste money on things that are not suppose to be bought when they are not that important. so, shopped around at ION till 3pm.
then when back to aunt's house, played with her cat or should i say, used-to-be-my-cat. Ray. played around with him that i eventually had to suffer with a bite on my hand and a small size scar on my face. hahah. not bad right Ray? of course, like owner like cat. very fierce. hahah. i talked to dad recently and said that i wanted a kitten. and dad said okay. my responsibility. fine, you keep quiet ah abah. my kitten and you don't play around with it if i get one.

oh thanks Benjamin for ordering and paying in advance first for my contacts. i'll repay you back once school re-opens. at last, contacts. i've not been wearing them for long and yeah. oh. did i mentioned about keeping my hair long? hahah. i am keeping my hair long again. i thought of making it thinner, but later la.

i miss school and the clique. i miss, aisyah,syaff, syu,aisha,humairah,naeemah,era, suzanne and others.
i guess this is the longest post i've had after months. well i gotta go. i'm off to eating, AGAIN. will update soon.

don't ever ask me about whether he is caught or anything. i don't even wanna know. i leave everything in God's hand. i'm moving on just as the river flows.

2009-12-07T17:21:00.001+08:00

deplored at the memories of my past, but what's the point, it's no use.
God will help me in every way He can. i have faith in him and i believe in him, 'cause i know my strength lies in Him and that no one can understand my decision better than Him. Amin.

3weeks time, Olevel result will be out, and i don't know who is taking Os this year in my family, but i hope that if there is someone taking Os, well, good luck and may you pass with flying colours and that you guys will be convinced with whatever result you'll receive. well, as you can see, i've just changed my blogskin to something that is black. guess i'm bored with white and very simple. but who cares? i've also changed my blog song, which like as always, i'll have a K-Pop song.

well, 2 days ago, i was reading the Malay Newspaper, "Berita Harian."
and the most eye-catching article is about how our Malay community are suffering. i think that the term suffering doesn't actually matches with the article. i'd rather say that it is rather pathetic and shameful for our malay community to be acting these way. seriously, it is very saddening but behind all that shame always cover all these. well, the article was a three page full "lensa hidup" that's happening at East CoastPark where an increasing number of malays are staying there. this is due too, no homes and guess what's behind not having a home? no job. seriously, what's with the community nowadays. even Dr Yaacob Ibrahim is shameful of this kind of behaviour that is not lessening but indeed it is increasing. so who else do we blame? easy, ourselves.it's because we don't want to find a way to help ourselves that's why, a lot of Malays are suffering.

and i really don't understand, why must there be a differences between malay teens nowadays. what's with not mixing around with minahs and mats? btw, do you even understand or can you actually define specifically and logically what you understand by minah/mat? if you're gonna say, it's the way they dress up and all other bullshits, then jolly well shut up and stick your nose in books and out of the clouds. why must we our own community be a rival to our own people? can't we help each other? what's with high standard malay and typical malay? errrr! stupid, bodoh, idiot.
why can't we be united. all the media knows is everytime, every articles shows the achievements of the malays. then what about those malays that are in jail? their stories? about the teenagers now, just having their education at Nlevel or ITE only? come on! is it fair?

Os result are out soon. may we see what other articles are going to come out. and let us see, whether good news will always be motivational or not.

2009-12-05T21:31:00.000+08:00

for God's sake & God damn it! i can't believe it, that after calculating and subtracting the 2weeks from the real date, the due is going to be 27December.
Oh sugar-honey-ice-tea! i'm utterly unprepared, but prepared for what's going to happen next. if anyone know what i mean, well, that's good.

mum tried to coax me by asking me to do exercises(which i have been doing) and literally, i did what she said. i'm being posessed by mum. Grr! that is so not fun. and yesterday, mum&dad brought me out, and guess what, DAD TORTURED ME TO HELL(i prefer heaven). believe it or not, from home, taxi-ed down to Robinson Rd post office at CBD area, and then from there, walked too DBS bank. okay, then taxi-ed again to Bugis Junction for lunch and here comes thekilling and raging part. from Bugis Junction, we walked all the way to Jln Sultan. and till this point time, my legs and the whole body are suffering in a continous dull pain or you call it, aching. maybe next week, i'll be asking Aisyah to come over my place. i'm dead bored and is spending my time studying or should i say, prolly studying. i just don't know which term define thebest way of me doing things.

things are getting better nowadays. Danial contacted me back, and he has been calling me almost like very night. Err! Daniakl, if you're reading this, i seriously won't go for a guy older than me by a long distanced year. LOL. but seriously, my Os are what i have to concentrate now.

oh oh, i told mum about babe Aisyah, and mum say, "Why not ask Aisyah to come over and you syudy together during the holiday? after studying you guys can do whatever you want. study for 2-3hours."
how nice eh mum? HEHS. i guess, i don't have much to blog about, as currently, i'm using my cousin's laptop.

the flower always blooms beautifully that no one can deny it's beauty. i was once like a rafflesia, nice but with a dead smell that stuffs the nostrils and people disgust me. but now, everyone is giving me the chance to bloom like a rose, which has stems that are thornful that pricks the greedy.

2009-11-24T16:02:00.000+08:00

i haven't posted for quite some time. due to irritation and something else.
err, i can believe the pains are coming back, and yes people i need company. mum, dan and bro are always not at home and i spend most my time being isolated.
and mum is beginning to worry as the days and weeks seems to turn faster into months and faster to years, and they could not afford to have me at home, ALONE.

i spend most my days reading or either just watching telly. my mind is as empty most of the time. and at most, it turns out like i'm being held as a hostage at home. this is indeed very uneasy for me. but, in order not to fret, i must indeed endure this.

i'm literally dreading my life right now, but i have to hold on and on and on. my nights have been sleepless, my mornings has been a dread, my afternoons are just boredom. i do every single thing the same day. OH GOD! i'm patiently waiting for the due and waiting that everything is gonna be fine and over quickly and that i will be a different person like now.
i love my parents. i love my bestfriends[aisyah, syu, syaff,aisha, humairah&naeemah] for supporting me and letting me be strong.

these are the people i can cling on too most of the time. and some others. i will have to be strong and i must be.

baba once told me, "Patience is the key to everything, and experiences, no matter bad or good brings more meaning to life."

thanks people for letting me, love myself,believe myself and respect myself. thank you.

2009-11-16T18:15:00.000+08:00

hello[: *moves eyebrow up&down* so how? handsome or not that guy?i think he wears sleeveless then he's way hotter. want to know who he is? want want want? *smiles widely* that's my boyfriend! HAHAHAH!
actually not, that's my brother. Muhd Zulhilmi Zainal. handsome kaaaaan? in picture not so obviously seen he's handsome, but real life, YES!

let me say, we are twins! not identically, but mentally. weird right? okay. daa diam. i'm effing bored actually. my brains are not functioning well. this is all due to me, doing everything repeatedly for the past few weeks. well, nevermind right? it's part and parcels of life. we have to endure.and my english is going back to its basics. but oh well. nevermind also la okaaaay?

oh oh. i'm bored that's why i posted about my brother. okay right? my silly, smart, crazy, handsome and etc brother? just look at him! which girl won't fall for him. hahah. i've not been blogging 'cause i don't feel like too. so, i just don't know what's more that i'm intending to blog about. hmmm. let me see? nothing right? oh oh. can i have a cousin outing please? i'll be good i promise. nevermind, my craps are starting to come out. oh oh. i forgot something.

BRING ME TO ION ORCHARD AGAIN! hahahah. i love it i love it i love it i love it. my god! i can shop for my perfume there. makeup and facial everything. common la. there's Salvator Ferragamo, Etude House, Gucci. AWW! shut up! be nice and bring me there! i need my salvatore ferragamo perfume badly laaaaa!
i need it i need it!
okay, here's a reply to arfah: especially you 'cause you always never want to contact with me first!

2009-11-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

TAGS REPLIED

Arfah : HAHAHAH! i am always missing i know. so so so? you want to spam, spam la. hahaha. like i don't know who are you to spam me eh kak?

Puteri Bintang: Aites bby! i will relink you asap.

Guest: errmm. i'm kinda referring to the salesguy at newurbanmaleshop, not Topman. may i know who are you? [:

Fathanah: why sad cousin? i miss you badly tao]:

Syasya pisang: ye syes. aku knal kau! will link you and tag you when i'm free.

zai: dah update poooooon! :D

Kavis: okay, will tag you when i visit your blog next time.

Stephenie: Will link you when i'm free.

2009-11-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

i'm promoted, i'm promoted. WeeHeeHeeeeeee! Nothing can stop me from studying now[: i'm happy happy happy.
okay okay. currently watching "Gone with the wind"(nak mampos aku di buatnyeeee) oh oh. i miss Aisyahtakoyaki! i miss aisyah aisyah aisyah. i've already " lepaskan rindu to Syafwoochy and Syukoochy. Love the both of you truckloads.
i must say i have indeed been missing in action, but nevertheless, i'm not dead yet. lmao.

okay okay. let me say this again, I'M TAKING MY O's NEXT YEAR! isn't that dreadful as first and foremost, i have to work double double double hard in order to get good grades. Pfft! what a flea! being in express stream is indeed an utmost incredible challenge. it is indeed a challenge for people like me. HAHAH! O's?! will you ever think of it! O's liao la! and guess what, i'm gonna miss aisyah a lot la ! i'm going to cry man! if i have too i will cry. why aisyah, why?

okay okay. so, O's and then A's. great kan? why A's? well unfortunately, i'm not one smart aleck like me brother who you know, affordable to JC. moreover, i am more of a relax person. so, i will follow his footsteps and that is, aim for Millenia Institute. second is Polytechnic, and so on and so forth. okay, i'm going to create a new post to reply my fellow taggers my replies. ESPECIALLY ARFAH!

2009-09-24T20:08:00.000+08:00

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

it seems like every of your ex girlfriends are the ones who are bastards. i am uttermostly surprised. indeed i am.

i have indeed deliberately lose my patience. i have silently tolerate everything.

i am gonna make you suffer. i will kill you. if i can't, i know God will help me.
for what you did to me now, is what you and your family will get.
i swear in Allah, that i will never forgive you until the day you die. i will make it happen and i will say it in my daily prayers.
i really had enough jokes and tolerated everything you said.

i'm a bastard? yes i am. and i'm saying this to you. this bastard gave up everything on you, and doesn't even care of the risk. i may have cheated you, but i have not yet ashamed you like how you did to me in front of unknown people eyes. don't dare me.

with the name and blood of my father, and the courage of my life and the guidance of Allah, i will make you suffer.

2009-09-15T21:23:00.001+08:00

i start off my day but having a wide grin on my face. eventually, someone i've been wanting to see again even for just a split second just popped out in front of me and eventually, it did. i could never open up my mouth to call him out, but i know somewhere, somehow, i was screaming his name and yearning to just get close to him.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS! no one would believe who i saw this morning that made my day, and well, made me thought that everyone SHOULD deserve a second chance. my day started out blissfully, and i really want every single day to begin like that.

and as usual, i'll be taking the train to school. yet i don't know why, despite of my laziness and tardiness, everytime i look around me, or just turned anywhere, it doesn't even matter if i'm facing a nyonya or apek or mat or minah or ahlian or ahbeng or whoever la, i'll smile. well, that doesn't sounds like me. maybe, i've been wanting a cheerful start since the past few months. but really, to my amazement, people just smile back! i love it. either people smile, or just started talking to me or just nudge me. so, as of today, i was in a little bit unhappiness. i got the later bus, the train was delayed and so on and so forth. i alighted from the train and looked around to see if any Shuqunites is late as i am, and yes, there were.

so i kept on walking, and walked down a flight of stairs when, !!!!!! let me describe what happen to me okay.
my eyes turn wide, my heart kept on beating faster for a few seconds, i wanted to say something with my full courage, but yet, i shout this person's name in my heart so loudly that i thought i was mad. all the days and nights of prayers, and after having so many months we lost contact, i bumped into him again. surprisingly though, i thought that my heart was gonna stopped for a moment and i'm gonna tremble, but no. instead, it beats faster.

Muhammad _ _ _ _ _ T_ _ ! yes the person who actually encourage me and gave me support on the night, dated, 15 January 2009. until this moment, i never even perished that scene from my memory. and yet today is the 15 of September 2009.
yes, it has been 8months. 8 months of unforgettable memory that is being locked and kept so tightly and i've been hoping that one more time i would again bumped into you even if it is just for a split second. i regretted not being in contact for the past few months, but i am grateful to Allah, that after days and nights of prayers, Ramadhan is really a great and special month and that it really cherish my heart. Thank you Allah.

but there is something in him that was imperfect that my friends kept asking, "What if people were to stare at you because of his unformed advantage?" and my answer was very simple to that question, " It doesn't matter who he is, or how he is. it's a matter if you can change him and don't let him even spare a thought of his advantage. cherish him, that is all."

so the first thing i did, i texted Lazel, my dear. and i told her who i saw. well, she's quite happy that i'm not gonna be gloomy. or should i say, melancholic for the day.
and the next person i told, was Mdm Maiza. she understand how i felt. she was glad that i was pretty cheerful at the beginning of the day and that it was a good point that i never even thought of his advantage. and next, i told Yilin and Joanna. well, Yilin was happy for me, but rather she was in a bad mood with someone. so, i endure it.
Joanna understood my situation and she explained to me almost about everything that i thought and why i didn't reacted in some ways.

well, i should say Joanna is the first person to be paying full attention on me. i didn't know she could understand me so well when by right, i'm not the type that people will think i'm easy to go with as i hold too many secrets but i'm glad, i've made and effort to get close to Joanna, and listen to her theory about me. thank you, Joanna Reicherts[:

i should say i really thank Allah for letting me have that exciting feeling again. idk when and where it'll happen again in my life, but for now, i really thank Allah. moreover, it's Ramadhan. i felt that i'm grateful and thankful.

my heart beats faster and faster for that few seconds. i know i can never resist that temptation, but how may i describe it, i was indeed quite cautious about the environment around me. thinking and rewinding that scene in mind, it is so clear.
at first few months, i tried to run away. impossibility.
but i know this is going nowhere if i kept running. i begin to smile widely, again. and, yes i've been waiting for this life to revive again. The renaissance of Nur Khalidah[:

2009-09-12T14:29:00.000+08:00

I AM OBSESSED WITH THAT N.U.M SALES GUY AT VIVOCITY *thumbs up, smiles wide*

pictures below are just only a few of the ones that i uploaded for the recent puting i had with the girls.
and thanks a lot Neopet for reminding me about the WALL THING. i can't believe it that you actually post it in your blog. it's so embarassing okaaaaaaay?
HAHAHAH! LOL :D
& Maria was like super crazy, walking and dancing to that song, Bounce. haiyo! crazy, and i meant. what's another better term of vocab for crazy, INSANE.
and true, but not true or not, i am obsessed with that sales guy. Maria knows which one.
LOL. stupid idiot guy make me smile smile only!
actually, the thing that happen is, we went in to NUM shop, and so i was in my ownself, not knowing and caring who is behind me or whatever is happening on that spot lor lor lor.

i thought i could always sense what's going to happen, but suddenly, a shocking icy feeling just went up my spine and this sales guy was saying, " Hi, welcome. May i help you?" and as per normal, my reaction will be, melatar with the very innnocent face. STUPIDITY. and that guy, i don't know, malay or chinese or mixed, or tanned skin, SMILES BACK. aiyoooo! makes my heart flutter and also skip double beats. LOL.
AND when leaving the shop, he said, " Thank you, goodbye. please come again." behind me again. alermaks! my reaction was, smiles widely glance at him and said, " Thanks."

it's been a long time since everything gets back again like how it used to be when i was single and now i am. almost every bit is starting to piece once more. goodness! i love this life. well yeah, it really isn't the right time to be too serious in a relationship or even being in one.
i trust my brother could help me once he's in NS by letting me know more and more people. you know, i know, my brother know. LOL. oh, can i say, i put the task of finding "the one" to my brother? he knows i am not that dumb anymore. right abang? i know you will be reading this la eh. oh and btw, get me those NUM sales guy, cause they are like BEAUTIFUL WITH THEIR MASCULINE BODY SHAPE, TANNED SKIN, HANDSOME AND SMART. cause i heard that one of my broher's friend is working at a NUM outlet, and he is, smart, beautiful and etc.

why am i talking about NUM sales guys? but it's okay to talk about it while you can and no one is ever gonna get jealous if you define the term NUM SALES GUY. oh, one more week till the end of fasting month. i'm gonna try my luck again this year, to see whether i can get the Lailatul QaDar. eh eh eh, i so good already? never mind, if this year still cannot get, next year also have.
Lailatul QaDar is the day i'm really looking forward too as, well yeah, your sins will be forgiven.
and shall i say, it is much more better than a 1000months. KHALIDAH, jiayou! don't give up.
you've thrown away smoking, drinking and whatever those bad doings, and you're standing up once more to be given a chance to show that you can be what you wanna be and that Allah will always guide you in every way he can. i must admit, i'm beginning to throw away a lot of things in my life that has ruined me. well, let's hope i won't ever create such BAD SINS.
relationships can wait. religion can never be wait but must forever in our life be in us and to be done. i'm hoping that i'll complete my fast fully, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.

halal and haram was thought. but i misused it in a way that i thought was daring enough.
i'm mending the bridge that has once collapsed, and now being built again will new changes.
may Allah guide me in every ways he can and that he will lead me to a better life oppurtunity.
i may be bad, but deep down, i still have the goodness.
the painful abortion is now over and now shall never be returned or done again.

2009-09-11T16:18:00.000+08:00

don't try to juxtapose me with a pure malay. i know i don't want to be in that category.
i want everything to be a new, everything at a second sight.

well, how long has it been then? according to my previous post, it has been approximately a month that i've not been back.
wow! that is so not me in the past, but it's so me in the current present. LOL!
well, it seems to me that everything changes. from that very silent and gloomy girl after the break up, to a more interesting, enjoyable, curious and etc. girl who now believes that once again she's looking at a positive sight by adding an abundance of vibrant hues back in her life.
that Nur Khalidah Zainal who was also known to be didie, will always be having that label. but her attitude and thinking will be gone. let me say, it is all a history. she dares to do more, dares to challenge and better still, starting to be religious, AGAIN. lol. i have made my decision and told my parents and indeed promise myself that, i will never turn to back to be a TOO MALAY girl. the vulgarities that seems to stuck too much on every word i say, is beginning to lessen, and let me guess, i find speaking in malay a bit, err, kekok?
i lost too much, but gaining it everything slowly with the help of God, friends and families. i hope my days in school will bring me closer to my friends and forget everything of the past. i'm beginning to understand everything and spare a thought before making a decision. therefore, i'm no longer that girl who is just daring on the outside, but just going to shatter on the inside.

the tummy problem has resolve and i'm beginning to take pictures again. i have new close ones and i believe i really love them. Aisha[neopet]. Humairah[Maria].

therefore, summarising this post before starting a new one, i shall say,

i dare and will challenge my history if it ever comes back.
i will try and do my best in whatever that is coming.
i must and will save every friendship i have now, and including the ones i lost.
i will only start to love until i really think i've loved my parents and my friends much.

i strike out "gloomy and melancholic" in my dictionary and add it with vibrant hues.

2009-07-18T20:00:00.001+08:00

could there be a guy that's faithful? malay guys? chinese guys? i don't care.
at this age, relationships come and go/ and i so don't need a guy like my ex boyfriend, who is so
CRASS. unknown word to you? go find in the dictionary.

2009-07-06T23:42:00.002+08:00

i deliberately have no time and can't spare even a single minute to update my blog
lately and for the upcoming days.
this is occasionally due to my tight school schedules and that i don't want to waste my effort and time doing unreasonable things or things that are not beneficial anymore. i want and would rather waste my effort concentrating in class. my attire didn't matter at all whether i'm nerdy at school or whatever people around the school or a bitch who is going to mention, " Asal rambut dia tu macam gitu?" it didn't matter does it bitch! 'cause it may seems that your hair is perfect to you, but hey, your hair is like a red indian's tail. or better, it looks SO MUCH like a feather duster the one that is used with real feathers and a wooden handle. even the colour is the same. so shut up BITCH. you wanna comment on other people's style and looks just because you're pretty? your pretty is worth nothing. 'cause you're one person that talks without a FULL STOP.

i'm gonna end my post. i wanna sleep. good night!

i'm letting you go. i find it unworthy. i'm still young[:

2009-06-22T23:18:00.002+08:00

"for now, i don't wish to wait for anyone, i'll wait for him. after finishing all my Os and getting into poly or MI or art school, i'll be with him. i can't promise, as love hold no boundaries. i may cherish some other heart. but for now, i love you like no other Mr.D. thanks for giving me the support all these times, and believing that i could go further without that Hairul. i din't thought of him anymore. moreover, i didn't want a guy like him anymore. thanks for holding me and pulling me off from the cliff before i fully fall. i'll wait. 2years ain't long, we can still meet in between. apparently now, i'm loving you like no other. and that's final."

2009-06-22T17:56:00.003+08:00

[it's like i'm waiting for the next winter to come and sit with you again]

i miss you, hell i really miss you. i'm missing you like i never do. i didn't manage to say a sweet goodbye. but yet, you told me not to worry and that you'll always remember me. how could i even not blame myself for this? i didn't slept well last night, tossing and turning as if i'm expecting a disaster, when i was just wanting that late night calls we always have. though you didn't call at the usual time, you called earlier. but why Mr. D? why earlier and made me cry so badly, and that you knew that i didn't want you to hear me sobbing on the phone, yet you teased me, trying to make me feel better. i couldn't meet you earlier, so i'm tremendously sorry.

and then this morning, you called. talking with me for about an hour, before you actually left. you just don't know how much i've missed you though it's been a few hours. i can't think properly, yet i'm having you on my mind. i just suck at telling you i love you and i like you so much, but thanks for knowing that.

i really want you to know, i miss you pouting your lips, i miss you and your babylike fingers, i miss you and your dumb psp, i miss you and your stupid mat rep cap[though you're not], i miss you and that horrible yet adorable laughter, i miss you showing off your super white teeth, i miss you and your deep shouting voice, i miss you and your stupid kembang nose, i miss you when you start to merengek, i miss you when you start giving me bear hugs, i miss you when you always make me feel like i'm perfect for you, i miss you when you wipe my tears, i miss you when you just start to tease me everytime i start to cry, i miss you giving me those kisses at my cheeks, i miss you telling me how much you wanted me to hug you when you're tired, i miss you when you asked me out and always end up with a surprise, i miss you nagging at me to stop drinking coke 24/7, i miss you, almost everything about you. yet i was too late to even say all this. you always asked me whether i like you, but i always play a fool, never truthful to you.

gosh! why am i regretting it? you tol me not to regret it, but now i am. i am Mr.D! i'm starting to regret it.

his last message : " Hey dear(: gawwwd!i don't know how much i'm missing you right now.it's like a miracle that we've met a few months, and now i'm going for NS. ahahahaha:D anywoos, as long as i'm out of camp, you must fetch me hooowwwwrrrr.i didn't want you to send me off, cos i know,you'll be crying and crying and i will start teasing and teasing and won't let you go and i won't go for my NS.ahahahaha:D anywoos, must takecare of yourself, think of me always, and don't find another guy until i come back.you know i'm the only one guy that fulfills your korean guy list.ahahahah:D bythewoos, i miss you so much, i don't know how many times i've said this, and i feel liek crying now.dear, always remember that song that i've written and when your down, think of me. when you need someone, hug your pillow like you're huggin' me. i'll miss you too. i'll try to sms you, if i'm out of camp.baby, wait for me okay?? wait, i'll be back and not leaving all the time. but if you can't, and your heart cherish somewhere else, then i can't hold it. loe holds no boundaries. for now, i'm holding on to you. iloveyouxxx,woaini,saranghaeyouuxx. XP"

i replied, " love holds no boundaries. i'll fetch you, if i can. for now, i'm waiting for you. only you. i won't resist from it. you're my pillar of strength, for now. those months since i met you, i cherished them. from the fights, to the laughters to almost everything. i'll miss you. i'm missing you now like i never did miss you. hugs & kisses. be a strong guy once you come back. i love you too much[:"

2009-06-16T23:34:00.003+08:00

thanks for accepting my decision bby[:
i know how you feel, but definitely, now is not the time.
i have to prepare myself for Os next year, and you will be busy with NS.
for now, let me admire the Koreans. i know i won't miss you deliberately, but at times i will spare a very long thought about you. i want to be happy as a single person who is attached for 14years7months8days to her parents. i'll miss you. i'll try to open up my heart. for now i'm shutting it.

HELLO[: up there? that paragraph? Umi knows[: only she knows. it's about this guy[who i will not mention his name] , has been knowing me for a few months. so he's leaving for NS, and his friend thought i should not leave him lonely, but then he's okay with it after i told him that i needed time to understand and know him better. i don't want to create the same ugly mistake i did last time. so, jyeah. he's okay with it. btw, he's a chinese[: hahahah! Umi knows[:

the picture on The Last Samurai. This is totally because, i've been watching too much shows on real man, that, believe me. I cried watching that show. It's just that i find it so touching on how a real man should be.

- a real man is spiritual.
- a real man is strong, inner and outer.
- a real man fights on honour.
- a real man never gives up.
- a real man knows his pride.
- a real man is full of patience.
- a real man makes his decision.
- a real man respects every perspectives.
- a real man knows his women.
- a real man takes responsibility for what he has done[like making his ex girlfriend pregnant].

those are the main points of a real man. but i don't even see these man in this century. partly there are a minority of them. majority? lol. you can hardly find them. never trust a guy even if you know him for long. trust him when your heart fully cherishes it and feels at home.

to hafiz: i hate you. let me say, get out from my life sex maniac! don't be sorry.
'cause i'm not your girlf. and why on Earth would i have to treat you like my boyf?! get a life sucker!

to Busterrooo: we are not talking OBVIOUSLY. but let me tell you this. since your father hate you marrying a malay, 'cause malay are troublesome, good. 'cause i've broken up with you.
i hate cursing, and when i curse, i bring it into my solats. i shall say, " Ikot la mak tiri kau yg org kafir tu. pergila engkau kpd Nabi Isa. just because rumah kau ade patung org kafir, dan kau dah kenek duduk sebumbung, tk bererti kau kalah. Masya'Allah. sememangnye slame ni Allah swt mmg inginkn aku pulang dan mengikut umat Rasullulah. kini kau meninggalkn tanggungjawab engkau sbgai org Islam, maka Allah mndkatkn kau dgn Iblis. kau sdah lupe asal mu. kau adalah anak Adam. kami org islam adelah anak-anak Adam dan Hawa. tpi smmgnye kau inginkn jlan yg menyesatkat umat mu tersndrie. pergila kau. sumpahan di hati dan dalam doa lebih berat dan padahnye. tapi, Hairul, kau membuat aku melakukannya. hidup ku sesat krane mu. kini aku akan mengikut umat ku. dan kau, boleh mengikut umat Nabis Isa[Jesus]. kau slawat hanya sementara. tapi, Iblis itu ttap ade pade dirimu. dengan nama Allah aku bersumpah bahawa aku adalah hanya seorang di dalam hidup ku yg tidak akan aku maafkan. walaupon ku lebih dan terlalu rendah dari Rasullulah, tapi sumpahan adelah sumpahan. sumpahan ini akan ku bawa ke solat aku dan hingga kau mati, aku tidak akan maafkan kau. Umat aku yg lain aku akan maafkn. ttap kau adelah antara manusia, sebangsa yg tidak akan aku maafkn. sehingga kau hendak dikpankan, mayat mu tidak akan tenang, kerane, aku tidak akan maafkn kau. atas nama Allah dan Rasullulah aku bersumpah. AMIN."

i will bring that curse to my prayers. for i shall not forgive him for what he is responsible for.
sumpahan ku akan membuat dirimu menderita setiap hari, mulai rakaat pertama aku mengangkat tangan ku dan menyebutkan, "Allahu Akhbar."
tidak ada apa2 yang akan membuat kau senang dan tenang hingga ke akhir hayat mu.
AMIN.

2009-06-14T20:24:00.002+08:00

[haengbook gae seh yoooo]

HEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOOOO! i'm back, back, back from the past! nyahahahah!
deliberately, i'm posting now, as i'm going to say, that, Khalidah has flown back to the skies[:

sesungguhnya, aku adalah antara manusia-manusia yang sedang dalam penuh kegembiraan, dan kini aku tidak tahu bagaimana dan bila akan tiba masanya lagi untuk aku merasakan kemeriahan ini.

wooooaaahhh! i've not been doing my revision, still my malay is perfecto! too much english speaking alr. okay. updating blog, because of recents events that happened.

went to malacca babiiii! fun best best best best best best best best!
i want to die have la! but gerek!of course got photos, but, blogger is very slow.
i've decided not to post any until i have the urge to actually gather the strength and patience to just wait till the damn pictures are loaded.

btw, i'm turning chubbier and chubbier! this is absolutely due to kinderbueno. i'm not gonna blame myself, but the chocolate that precisely taste too good and i'm stuck with it. Urgh! tell me how am i suppose to resist myself from eating another kinderbueno when i actually can resist from it!
ohhhhhh kinderbueno!

hahahah!
okaay okaay. babah-oo just came home, and he gave me a hug and a kiss at my cheek. Abah is the most romantic guy and the first priority in my life then second is lee min ho. LOL!
sungguh shiok sendiri eeeeeehhh!

okay okay okaaaaaayyyy. i want to go and gaze at my babah-oo and leeminho.

ZALIFAH! LEEMINHO IS HOTTER THAN KIMHYUNJOONG THOUGH HE SHAVE HIS ARMPIT HAIR! BLUEEKKKSSS!

2009-06-06T19:57:00.002+08:00

we'll be away. counting the days. ilovekorean[:

HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO :D
updates updates for a moment.
lazy to go Sarawak, because after Kuching, must continue journey to Brunei.
so, i'm not going. waste my strong hyper-energy and time. the trip is cancel. Wee!

i'm updating now, as i've been in love. not fully reality love. but just for fun la. i hope what i dream, comes true one day. btw, Zalifah, korean don't ditch their girls! make me angry only you! LOL!

THINGS I WANT TO HAVE IN A GUY.

- superbly taller than me. standing about 1.86 or 1.87m tall!
- with looks. KOREAN LOOKS[:
- with a smart brain! DEFINITELY!
- with * KACHING, KACHING* LOL!
- owns a car[:
- looks which makes the guy looks fierce, but afterall, he's a very loving and a warm guy in him.
- always argue with me, argues about teasing each other.
- can do just about anything.
- knows hot to fight.
- has six pacts.
- have muscles.
- hot-tempered but mantains it with me.
- full of patience.
- not so small eyes.
- A KILLER SMILE [:
- has a very nice body shape!
- speaks korean !
- curly hair(?)
- who will get jealous just about anything, but he will never put a hand on me.
- who is willing to save me from anything, even he had his ribs kicked in.
- who will just yank me hard an the collar if he gets angry.
- sweet as chocolate merci, fierce as a lion, hot like a top model.
- TOTALLY CARING.
- not that obedient.
- HAS DIMPLE!
- freaks out when he sees a kid, but loves them.
- bring me almost to anywhere.
- surprises me and makes my heart flutter.
- humble yet shy.
- afraid of his sister(if he has).
- bullies me.
- do not let other people disgrace me.
- wears a V-neck shirt.
- has a very sandy voice when he sings.
- hot hot hot hot hot face, body and etc!

not a full list though. i can't believe ibu nags at me for watching korean drama too much, that my brain is also stuffed like korean.
ibu says i think i can get korean guys so easily uh? LOL!
but ibu and abah doesn't even care whether i'm watching too much korean dramas.
moreover, they're glad i'm this way. my dad doesn't eevn care anymore if i jump around the house just about a korean drama, and a korean guy i like.
ibu is the best. no comment! hahahah! she let me be what i wanna be.
but she's hoping that i'll just get a boyfriend, after Olevels.
and i deny my own race. but not the good ones, but the bad ones.

ohhhhhhhh yeeeeeaaaahhhh!
my korean name is Han Ji Min!
WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!
okay. gotta go.

sorry to arfah for not attending her event today at NTU, which is SOOOO near my house.
and a very big sorry to Aisyah, as i'll be off already tomorrow for Malacca.

i don't want that Hafiz guy in my life.
HELLO PHARKER! I DON'T WANT YOU. SO STOP BOTHERING ME!
I HATE THE BAD MALAYS.
it's so hard to find a good malay guy. i'm in denial to have a malay guy once again.

HanJiMin sarang hae LeeMinHo[: